03-14-2013, 08:18 PM
Hi C. Alive, welcome to the site!
You've got some nice imagery here with the concrete rain and love being dressed as a desperate whore. It also read with a nice cadence. I think one place that this slips is where you mix up your rhyme scheme from an AABB to ABAB.
Know that when you leave the room,
when you leave me longing more
there's no honour left to doom;
love is dressed a desperate whore
I think those lines would read better if you moved them around to reflect your already established scheme.
You've got some nice imagery here with the concrete rain and love being dressed as a desperate whore. It also read with a nice cadence. I think one place that this slips is where you mix up your rhyme scheme from an AABB to ABAB.
Know that when you leave the room,
when you leave me longing more
there's no honour left to doom;
love is dressed a desperate whore
I think those lines would read better if you moved them around to reflect your already established scheme.
(03-14-2013, 06:29 PM)C.Alive Wrote: Things are angry, bruised 'n hurt;
full of tears I tear and blurt
Please have patience, I shall hide
when sense and nonsense do abide
The one is heavy, the other vain
both stone me with their concrete rain
Know that when you leave the room,
when you leave me longing more
there's no honour left to doom;
love is dressed a desperate whore
More attention, screams my soul
more to make what's mended whole
Rent my heart, then breach the deal;
every time this is what's real.
©
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson