03-14-2013, 08:11 PM
Hi Leila, welcome to the site!
Some comments for you:
In general, I like to see a consistent meter with end rhyme, that said this doesn't put me off. You do have some inconsistency in the first stanza where you don't rhyme lines 3 and 4 and that stands out a bit.
There are times I think you could substitute adjectives like weak in line two for images and have a better result. In that instance, showing words becoming weak rather than stating it. It's like Wordsworth's "I wandered lonely as a cloud" The image of the cloud grounds the idea of loneliness.
There are also some areas you could make some basic cuts. Examples to consider (they're all options after all), might be things like cutting "in the" in line 3 and "until" in the last line.
Just some thoughts.
Best,
Todd
Some comments for you:
In general, I like to see a consistent meter with end rhyme, that said this doesn't put me off. You do have some inconsistency in the first stanza where you don't rhyme lines 3 and 4 and that stands out a bit.
There are times I think you could substitute adjectives like weak in line two for images and have a better result. In that instance, showing words becoming weak rather than stating it. It's like Wordsworth's "I wandered lonely as a cloud" The image of the cloud grounds the idea of loneliness.
There are also some areas you could make some basic cuts. Examples to consider (they're all options after all), might be things like cutting "in the" in line 3 and "until" in the last line.
Just some thoughts.
Best,
Todd
(03-14-2013, 02:13 PM)raspberry89 Wrote: Why speak
when words become weak
and everything you want is in the darkness
and you are forever alone
Happiness will never meet you
and your prince will never seek you
You will die unknowing
from your heart with blood flowing
Beating and pumping
all of your life into nothing
You'll be a stain on the soil
until dust in the face of turmoil
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson