03-14-2013, 06:02 PM
Hi Raspberry and welcome to the site.
I think that overall this is a very nice piece.
I am not sure if the lack of punctuation is a deliberate choice or one of ommission. Normally I would put forward my personal preferance to have punctuation in a poem, but I actually think that your poem is one that reads well enough without the lack of puctuation being distacting. So this is one of those things that you need to decide for yourself.
My only real glitch in the read was in the last line. The use of until seems out of place and i'm wondering if it is needed at or.
Personally I would think about taking it out. But as ever ever crit offered is only meant as personal opinion and this is your poem to work on as you feel led.
Thanks for the read. I thought it conveyed the pain and isolation of failed relationships really well.
AJ.
I think that overall this is a very nice piece.
I am not sure if the lack of punctuation is a deliberate choice or one of ommission. Normally I would put forward my personal preferance to have punctuation in a poem, but I actually think that your poem is one that reads well enough without the lack of puctuation being distacting. So this is one of those things that you need to decide for yourself.
My only real glitch in the read was in the last line. The use of until seems out of place and i'm wondering if it is needed at or.
Personally I would think about taking it out. But as ever ever crit offered is only meant as personal opinion and this is your poem to work on as you feel led.
Thanks for the read. I thought it conveyed the pain and isolation of failed relationships really well.
AJ.