03-14-2013, 08:27 AM
[quote='cidermaid' pid='119202' dateline='1363185870']
Tectak inspired me - he did a set rhymed poem, which he doesn't enjoy or get into normally, so I've tried one without a formal stucture or rhyme. I find this v hard, but determined to work this out. (This is another "new prompt" poem. Inspiration taken from Christina Rossetti sonnet of same title).
Dead before death.
Captured early by the ravages of time.
Spiky and stubborn in her composure.
Mortally wounded. Fatally flawed.
She could not enjoy the simple things. The wind
blowing through her hair…it, set and bored stiff,
yet, resistant to all movement and change.
She crystallised, entombed within,
embalmed in over salted brine, in which, nothing
could grow or thrive. Laid out in firm resolution
awaiting death, embracing every morbid, rigor mortised,
reduction. Until life was brought down to the lowest,
gravest spec of dust. Six feet of cold empty excavation.
She wore her death well,
a cherished shroud upon her breast,
A blossom borne out of season, she refused to thrive.
A fruitlet that falls for no reason.
She died too young.
Hi cider,
I am much pleased that I inspired you and grateful for you recent support on another thread....but it won't save you
OK. This piece hangs together nicely. The words have texture, consistency and generally, the tone suits the content. There is, though, a problem. The words are in a battle with your punctuation. I wondered where all the commas had gone, so sparsely distributed in many postings...now I know!
Examples:
The wind blowing through her hair…it, set and bored stiff, yet, resistant to all movement and change. Read it. If you cannot tell that this is hopelessly wrong I cannot help. You will continue to use commas like hundreds an thousands.
Next, I will try to correct but this is what you wrote:
She crystallised, entombed within, embalmed in over salted brine, in which, nothing
could grow or thrive.
She crystalised; embalmed with over salted brine , in which nothing could grow or thrive, entombed from within.
Or:
Laid out in firm resolution, she awaits death; embracing every morbid reduction until life is brought down to the lowest, gravest spec of dust. Six feet of cold, empty excavation. "Rigor mortised" is not possible and is unnecessary. We know she is a stiff.
The final stanza is lovely. Shall we enliven the forum? I am not sure about "borne" . It is conventially accepted that "born out of wedlock" is the only time the "born" word is correctly used, because it is referencing birth. At all other times, the transport or carrying word, "borne" should be used. I would argue, though, that you are using birth in a metaphorical way. So I think "born" is correct. Argue.
So all is well but please read your work out loud to get your pauses right. Simple rule: As you read you will set a "speed" . A comma, at your reading speed, is a pause to a count of one, a semi colon is a pause count of two; a colon, count four: a full stop, count to suit dramatic effect...and of course, it ends the sentence.
Best,
tectak
ps I particularly enjoy rhyming verse. I did not enjoy writing "When true love lies" because it was so strict and thus restrictive. It is very important to me that the reader us unaware of the strong rhyme i.e. it must not seem forced. So I cheated. The "ies" words, along with giga-gerund and frog "ion" ending are the simplest to rhyme. "Rappers" locked on to the "ion" end as it is easy for simpletons to get themselves excited with their skill. That is why you hear "In ma estim-ation, your procrastin-ation, will be yoh indica-tion that you have missed yoah sta-tion" and so and so on. Likewise I got suckered with the "ies" ending. I drove me mad. Too much choice is a bad thing....!
Tectak inspired me - he did a set rhymed poem, which he doesn't enjoy or get into normally, so I've tried one without a formal stucture or rhyme. I find this v hard, but determined to work this out. (This is another "new prompt" poem. Inspiration taken from Christina Rossetti sonnet of same title).
Dead before death.
Captured early by the ravages of time.
Spiky and stubborn in her composure.
Mortally wounded. Fatally flawed.
She could not enjoy the simple things. The wind
blowing through her hair…it, set and bored stiff,
yet, resistant to all movement and change.
She crystallised, entombed within,
embalmed in over salted brine, in which, nothing
could grow or thrive. Laid out in firm resolution
awaiting death, embracing every morbid, rigor mortised,
reduction. Until life was brought down to the lowest,
gravest spec of dust. Six feet of cold empty excavation.
She wore her death well,
a cherished shroud upon her breast,
A blossom borne out of season, she refused to thrive.
A fruitlet that falls for no reason.
She died too young.
Hi cider,
I am much pleased that I inspired you and grateful for you recent support on another thread....but it won't save you
OK. This piece hangs together nicely. The words have texture, consistency and generally, the tone suits the content. There is, though, a problem. The words are in a battle with your punctuation. I wondered where all the commas had gone, so sparsely distributed in many postings...now I know!
Examples:
The wind blowing through her hair…it, set and bored stiff, yet, resistant to all movement and change. Read it. If you cannot tell that this is hopelessly wrong I cannot help. You will continue to use commas like hundreds an thousands.
Next, I will try to correct but this is what you wrote:
She crystallised, entombed within, embalmed in over salted brine, in which, nothing
could grow or thrive.
She crystalised; embalmed with over salted brine , in which nothing could grow or thrive, entombed from within.
Or:
Laid out in firm resolution, she awaits death; embracing every morbid reduction until life is brought down to the lowest, gravest spec of dust. Six feet of cold, empty excavation. "Rigor mortised" is not possible and is unnecessary. We know she is a stiff.
The final stanza is lovely. Shall we enliven the forum? I am not sure about "borne" . It is conventially accepted that "born out of wedlock" is the only time the "born" word is correctly used, because it is referencing birth. At all other times, the transport or carrying word, "borne" should be used. I would argue, though, that you are using birth in a metaphorical way. So I think "born" is correct. Argue.
So all is well but please read your work out loud to get your pauses right. Simple rule: As you read you will set a "speed" . A comma, at your reading speed, is a pause to a count of one, a semi colon is a pause count of two; a colon, count four: a full stop, count to suit dramatic effect...and of course, it ends the sentence.
Best,
tectak
ps I particularly enjoy rhyming verse. I did not enjoy writing "When true love lies" because it was so strict and thus restrictive. It is very important to me that the reader us unaware of the strong rhyme i.e. it must not seem forced. So I cheated. The "ies" words, along with giga-gerund and frog "ion" ending are the simplest to rhyme. "Rappers" locked on to the "ion" end as it is easy for simpletons to get themselves excited with their skill. That is why you hear "In ma estim-ation, your procrastin-ation, will be yoh indica-tion that you have missed yoah sta-tion" and so and so on. Likewise I got suckered with the "ies" ending. I drove me mad. Too much choice is a bad thing....!