03-13-2013, 09:42 PM
1971... My mum was born that year. >< Anyways, on to the poem.
(03-13-2013, 07:30 PM)tectak Wrote: Darkness lurks in corners when the Sun bids children play;
sneaking out into their dreams when shadows end the day. -- Reading these 2 lines make me kind of confused. You're anthropomorphising darkness but shadows are another thing altogether? It's just kind of a weird issue for me when I read it. Also, while you give darkness and night quite a bit of character, the Sun is just a blank slate. A little more meat here and there can make the poem read and feel more 'complete' in my opinion.
Night, look to East, for there the Sun will come to end your stay, --Hmm, here I think that a contrast with night's sneaky ways will work better. Give the Sun a robust and radiant personality.
and that constant coward, Darkness, will run and hide away.
Tectak
Christmas Eve
1971
Just my 2 cents, hope I'm of help, especially since I'm not sure if I'm making sense or not. =)
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