03-12-2013, 06:00 PM
(03-12-2013, 11:54 AM)Tommy Wrote: We live in the middle, caught in between, riding a wave into the unseen.
We live for a moment, the blink of an eye, blind to the future that won’t be denied.
We live all of our moments planning ahead, waiting it seems, facing with dread, -- The repeat of moments weakened the punch of the poem. Try 'We live, waiting it seems, facing with dread,'. I think it flows better that way.
a time when it’s over, when our dreams have fled. -- Edging on cliche here.
When life has escaped us, where do we turn?
What have we mattered? What did we learn?
What did I do that an effect on the ribbon of time stretching into what’s next?
Did I spend all my moments on worthless endeavor?
Would it have mattered if I’d lived forever?
If forever just meant that I’d have more time to worry about tomorrow? -- This stanza in my opinion is a little too long. Try to cut down on the words. Also, the array of questions just feel redundant after awhile. For example, line 3 and 4 can be removed without taking away much from the poem. Overall, I really liked the poem though, so I hope you'll give it another look. Hope I'm of help! =)
Back!