03-12-2013, 03:49 PM
When I started reading this I thought it was going to be a sonnet -- with a few quick fixes to the meter and a rhyming couplet to finish, it could easily end up as one if you wanted. As it is, the meter is very bumpy and with such a rigid rhyme scheme it does stand out as a fault. It does end quite abruptly, which is another reason to add a couplet as a summation. The content itself is quite pretty and the song motif works well. I'll reserve further comment until I know what direction you want this to head in.
It could be worse