03-10-2013, 10:21 AM
The rhymes may be a step too far. Getting rid of that chiming end rhyme probably won't hurt, especially if you keep the rhythm (very important in this case 
). To make a sophisticated comment about an unsophisticated situation, it's probably best to avoid triteness wherever possible.
). To make a sophisticated comment about an unsophisticated situation, it's probably best to avoid triteness wherever possible.
It could be worse