03-09-2013, 08:24 PM
hello
ok so, this is great! I can only really fault a few little things that are hardly worth mentioning (but it IS worth it just to be able to say, ‘this is great’.
The first stanza is the bomb. ‘where the clouds become the earth’ wonderful opening. however, maybe ‘savage regrets’ is a little too easy for such a kick in the head opening.
Goddamn I wish I had written the second. Very Deluzean, flows and breaks in flows and blocks… mmmm yummy.
‘…the light from your eyes / is a drop in the glass’ I understand why ‘a drop in the glass’ and its relevance, but, I don’t know, it sounds a bit… well, I don’t know, just something seems off; possibly a syntactical thing. Or, again, a little easy in light of the rest.
‘yesterday’s mockingbird mime’ again, just ridiculously good.
‘…a crystal decanter of sky’: my initial reaction to this line was that it sounded like a Bolan lyric, or line from one of his poems, but I couldn’t place it, but regardless, I thought it sounded a little too obvious; but having re-read it it works perfectly.
‘glistens at the corner of the hour’ another one I wish I’d written.
‘someone, somewhere…’ this is only a personal note [because I think it really works] but I go all Westside Story
I will not, as Dylan once said, attempt to shovel a glimpse into the ditch of what each one means. But as always you have made the day a little brighter with your poem. cheers.
ok so, this is great! I can only really fault a few little things that are hardly worth mentioning (but it IS worth it just to be able to say, ‘this is great’.
The first stanza is the bomb. ‘where the clouds become the earth’ wonderful opening. however, maybe ‘savage regrets’ is a little too easy for such a kick in the head opening.
Goddamn I wish I had written the second. Very Deluzean, flows and breaks in flows and blocks… mmmm yummy.
‘…the light from your eyes / is a drop in the glass’ I understand why ‘a drop in the glass’ and its relevance, but, I don’t know, it sounds a bit… well, I don’t know, just something seems off; possibly a syntactical thing. Or, again, a little easy in light of the rest.
‘yesterday’s mockingbird mime’ again, just ridiculously good.
‘…a crystal decanter of sky’: my initial reaction to this line was that it sounded like a Bolan lyric, or line from one of his poems, but I couldn’t place it, but regardless, I thought it sounded a little too obvious; but having re-read it it works perfectly.
‘glistens at the corner of the hour’ another one I wish I’d written.
‘someone, somewhere…’ this is only a personal note [because I think it really works] but I go all Westside Story
I will not, as Dylan once said, attempt to shovel a glimpse into the ditch of what each one means. But as always you have made the day a little brighter with your poem. cheers.