03-09-2013, 05:50 PM
hi tommy,
look out for any repetition, is it necessary? only use it if it is because it often weakens the word. try to make the end rhymes perfect and with a consistant rhyme scheme. on the face of it it's pretty fierce and emotively sad poem. but it's very wordy. try to chop out anything that doesn't really say or show anything.
All these thoughts I try to hide. this is a given, it's also a cliche
See inside where there is more. this is a given, it's also a bit weak
you have a poem that's editable. lookijng forward to seeing what comes of it
ps. thank you for leave feedback elsewhere.
look out for any repetition, is it necessary? only use it if it is because it often weakens the word. try to make the end rhymes perfect and with a consistant rhyme scheme. on the face of it it's pretty fierce and emotively sad poem. but it's very wordy. try to chop out anything that doesn't really say or show anything.
All these thoughts I try to hide. this is a given, it's also a cliche
See inside where there is more. this is a given, it's also a bit weak
you have a poem that's editable. lookijng forward to seeing what comes of it
ps. thank you for leave feedback elsewhere.
(03-09-2013, 10:45 AM)Tommy Wrote: Split me open
Look inside
All these thoughts I try to hide.
Split me open
Expose the core
See inside where there is more.
Look into the heart of me
You will not like all that you see.
Dark crevasses filled with hate
Putrid urges lay in wait.
There are secrets here inside
Urges I have long denied.
Split me open if you dare
Smell a stench I cannot bear.
Take it from me, tear it out
Free me of the fear and doubt.
I’ve grown accustomed to the rot
It grows inside my every thought.
A strangling malignancy has stolen happiness from me.