03-09-2013, 12:16 PM
The last line, to me, seems your strongest-- though personally I'd change "strangling" to "strange."
This poem has a lot of potential. As always, it is truly hard to put out a poem that rhymes without it seeming forced.
Keep working through other lines, see if you can let this poem go a little easier. If anything, don't be afraid to get rid of the rhyme entirely.
And also think about the content. What exactly are you trying to portray here other than pain?
This poem has a lot of potential. As always, it is truly hard to put out a poem that rhymes without it seeming forced.
Keep working through other lines, see if you can let this poem go a little easier. If anything, don't be afraid to get rid of the rhyme entirely.
And also think about the content. What exactly are you trying to portray here other than pain?
I'll be there in a minute.