03-05-2013, 06:46 PM
hi gemma.
the 2nd line is a cliche, (well used phrase)
the poem itself is pretty okay for a poem that describes the twilight between wake and sleep.
the meter is almost okay but could do with a few tweaks in order to help the flow.
The worms feed on lack of light.
Shine a torch into my eyes,
could be
The worms feed on a lack of light.
So shine a torch into my eyes,
there a few more lines that could be helped with a tweak
we have a thread all about meter in the pactice or novice forum,
the 2nd line is a cliche, (well used phrase)
the poem itself is pretty okay for a poem that describes the twilight between wake and sleep.
the meter is almost okay but could do with a few tweaks in order to help the flow.
The worms feed on lack of light.
Shine a torch into my eyes,
could be
The worms feed on a lack of light.
So shine a torch into my eyes,
there a few more lines that could be helped with a tweak
we have a thread all about meter in the pactice or novice forum,
(03-05-2013, 12:02 PM)Gemma Wrote: The worms resurface, yet again,
In dark recesses of my brain.
Madness reigns in the dead of night,
The worms feed on lack of light.
Shine a torch into my eyes,
murder me with sheer surprise..
But kill the worms, that creep, and creep..
I'm not awake, yet not asleep.
I would really appreciate your critique, be honest!