Snow Angel

[tectak]

Early morning of so numbingly coldSentence syntax flaky
I see the sun between the mountains high cliche and yoda
I see your breath as it turns into goldforced ryhme, oh gold breath. Forget it
The early age of February skyWhat does this mean?

But is it possible to compare that?Not a sentence. How on earth can you compare A that?
To your beauty that keeps me awake No.I cannot go on.This is Vogon
Is there a chance that I could leave my hat?
So I can take my so well-deserved brake BREAK for fuck's sake....or seak...or ...

I see the diamants among the snowWhat is a french rocket launching system doing here?Diamant? This is just pretentious. What is wrong with diamonds among the snow? It would still be a cliche...but just not a french cliche...hmmmm....if you get my drift
The purity of the air is spotlessUtter rubbish, ban me from this site! It would be an act of kindness! See end comments
But it is you who is shining, I know
It is like you are wearing a red dress

Cuz I can only see you among thisWhat is cuz?
Hey miss, If only I could get a kiss

( Note! These comments made whilst this piece was in the original location...SERIOUS CRIT)

There is far too much wrong with this to even start on it without my becoming overwhelmingly rude. Please,please, please repost in mild or novice or I shall slit my throat ( Jolly good....say some).
Look, I am very sorry about my outburst....it is unfair on you. I try hard to make my opinion, and usually that is all it is, as helpful and as constructive as possible....but this piece is not good in an absolute sense. My opinion is of little weight in critting this poem..... it is just very bad. On the bright side, you are therefore in a GREAT position. You can improve enormously. Please do not stop writing. Just repost and you will get lots of help.
Best,
tectak ( in a very good mood)