03-05-2013, 12:12 AM
You seem to draw a lot of inspiration from fairytales. Really like the first stanza. The subtlety throughout the whole thing is just so intriguing. The second stanza though, sort of misses the landing I feel. I'd suggest removing the harsh from morning, and shortening lines 3-5 so there's a more lasting impact to the whole imagery. Then again, maybe I've just been reading too many poems referencing fairytales. Anyways, here's my move and poem. Pretty much the sole option for this sort of chess. =)
Mum
bxc6
You gave me a magic marker,
Told me it steals stars from space.
‘Just draw them on your walls,’
‘and some starlight will be yours.’
We promised to view the night sky
together in my room,
so we can both make wishes
and live blessed lives.
I’ve stolen all the stars,
one every single day
until I was 21.
A wish is made upon the glow,
for you to come back
so we can enjoy the illuminated night.
I know it’s make-believe,
and that wishes don’t come true.
It’s just a habit
for me to remember you.
The you who gave me love lukewarm.
Mum
bxc6
You gave me a magic marker,
Told me it steals stars from space.
‘Just draw them on your walls,’
‘and some starlight will be yours.’
We promised to view the night sky
together in my room,
so we can both make wishes
and live blessed lives.
I’ve stolen all the stars,
one every single day
until I was 21.
A wish is made upon the glow,
for you to come back
so we can enjoy the illuminated night.
I know it’s make-believe,
and that wishes don’t come true.
It’s just a habit
for me to remember you.
The you who gave me love lukewarm.
Back!