Where There's Smoke, There's Fire

[billy]

not ure the 3rd line is need as it's sort of already inferred. also L5 and 6 dont do much. the poems pretty soild with some good images but you have a few lines that don't work the poem well enough to stayi've mentioned just two because this is novice but there are other ones that maybe you could see.

great effort.

I want you to die with me
On this quiet, fragile night
As we stand beside each other all alone
Bathed in moonbeams white as bone
It was a long day, like everyday that
Bled into the last, endless
Finally, as this town falls asleep
We can light the streets on fire
Just to watch them burn
We wrap our bodies in the sparks
And let the smoke smother us
Holding hands, side to side
While our eyes sting and we're blinded
We'll love like charred corpses really good image.
In Rings of Rosie, ashes, ashes
Beaten by the flames, till we turn ashen
You won't scream, it won't hurt
I promise.
It's simply like swimming,
Deeper in the river of embers
But we never see the bottom,
For it's in the blackness we find our rest.