02-28-2013, 09:08 AM
When I started posting on poetry forums ~3 yrs ago (the now seemingly defunct poets.org forum), I remember that whenever a “beginner” posted something like this, the response would always be to save rhyme and meter for when you’re a grown up poet. I think I basically agree; beginners (and I include myself) should write all types of poetry, but should probably mostly not post metrical and rhymed poems (give or take).
Anywhoo, sorry about that, I digress
. I do think you accomplished what you set out to aim for; giving a solid image of a person and place. Some details…
S1: Don’t really like “such a tale”, sort of overused like “once upon a time” (the phrase, not tv show). Rhyming back with slack also sounds a bit jarring.
S2: The glass room image is the best here for me, but don’t label it as an “odd place”; let the image do that for us.
S3: Don’t like “gave me the chills”, but I like Goosebumps as “many little hills”. The image of the tears and eyes glistening could also be elaborated on, otherwise they again sound overused.
I like the motion in the poem; S1 general, S2 and 3 describe things, S4 to the races. So yeah, I think it’s a good idea; definitely worth returning to. Anyway, thanks for the read.
Gary
Anywhoo, sorry about that, I digress
. I do think you accomplished what you set out to aim for; giving a solid image of a person and place. Some details…S1: Don’t really like “such a tale”, sort of overused like “once upon a time” (the phrase, not tv show). Rhyming back with slack also sounds a bit jarring.
S2: The glass room image is the best here for me, but don’t label it as an “odd place”; let the image do that for us.
S3: Don’t like “gave me the chills”, but I like Goosebumps as “many little hills”. The image of the tears and eyes glistening could also be elaborated on, otherwise they again sound overused.
I like the motion in the poem; S1 general, S2 and 3 describe things, S4 to the races. So yeah, I think it’s a good idea; definitely worth returning to. Anyway, thanks for the read.
Gary