The End

[tectak]

When the heart failed to bearBecause of the complete lack of punctuation this reader is rendered somewhat disabled. I think that the tenses in these first few lines are all to pot....If I punctuate it in my head, I want to see" When the heart FAILS to bear the endless despair (anymore-not needed. Already said.), let the sand burn the pads (soles-unless a dromedary) of my feet."
The endless despair anymore
Let the sand burn the pads of my feetfull stop or asphyxia threatens. I can accept a stagger, but "into" a beach is awkward.....as is the "stretched" description. I find that I stop to grasp its meaning, fail, then move on.Worse is to come, I just know it.
In that stagger into the stretched beachthere is no rhythm in this....you will say, yes, that is because I am staggering on burnt feet in an elastic beach and am miserable. No excuse...this is supposed to be poetry not a travelogue.
Let the ankles soak with the shore I can just give this the benefit of my advanced deductive prowess and get the syncronicity of "with" meaning simultaneous. It is reaching the limits of Young's Modulus, though, as a stretched metaphor for....well....something.
When the tides hit it once more Surely, "tide" and "hits", but not even that. Does the tide "hit?
Let the steps fall beyond the coast
Until the knees taste the host
Let the raising surf check its rage
When it could reach my heart’s cage
Let the sinking Sun stare into my eyes
When the brine swollen all the tears
Fear and pain were all rend
After the mind fading into end. the last 8 lines need a lot of looking at. Again, a cry for the condiment of conversation, punctuation. Comedic images of tasting knees do not quite come off. "fear and pain were all rend" is drastically inverse forced with the last line. You gave up in the end.So have I.
Best,
tectak