Where I lay my head edit 2 newsclippings, pet ak

[tectak]

Hi Tectek, not a lot to critique on this one. You put a few subtle changes into the edit that I like, a she here, a candle light there. The choices made the poem expand from a simple reflection on the past to something warmer, more of a sensory experience. Some comments below:

In this room, I lay with loves I met.
I filed away the images I knew--I keep wondering if it might be better if you cut the full stop on L1 and led this line with "to file". Just a thought. I also love the break on knew
would rise again, like wraiths of raw regret,--That's an evocative line. When you take it with the later greyed out phantoms line you have something more three dimensional than a film in memory.
to dash my dreams of holding on to you.

You lie beside me as the light disclaims--disclaims is a fantastic word choice for the line and the theme.
the greyed out phantoms, fantasies still clear.
Another slips across my recalled frames
and strange, I taste the sweetness of her tears.--These are the types of details that elevate the poem. When the narrator steps back into the experience of the moment and we get these sensory flashes. From this point on, I would like to see something that captures the actual moment like this in each of the next stanzas save the last two where it moves back into the present.

Then there was the long and snow-deep night;--snow-deep night accomplishes part of that request. In that you get a sense of isolation for the couple. Its like their normal lives are blocked off from them, and it can be about them alone
she sat upon this discrete bed and cried.--All about the word choices here. The discrete bed now implies a need for her to separate herself, and the tears are not like the earlier ones. Nice detail to imply what she is leaving, and what she is returning to
I watched her, naked, rise in candle light;--candle light is such a nice addition here. It's important to the poem that she is greyed out or in dim light. This is about what happened with her, not about the her under the full light of the sun.
then dress so slowly, leaving off her pride.--Leaving off her pride and the next few lines seem to imply that this was a chance encounter. She arrived with pride, but didn't leave with. This is the first and only time for the two lovers.

I look to where a silhouette still lies;--again a play with light. I like this
her name she kept, she never made it known.--Great detail. That gives us an awful lot about the regret, the scenario itself
We thrashed and threw our passion to the skies;
but when I woke and called her…she was gone.--The narrator saw her rise and get dressed, the implication is she left in full sight of him. Did he return to sleep and then the memory of it all caused him to call out for her again? I don't this calling as a telephone.

I damn you for your bodies, ageless, pure!--Just fantastic observation of aging and regret. They always stay young.
Why do old recollections stay so new?
How could I love so long, yet be unsure?
Is this my dream...or are you dreaming, too?--The new conclusion has some nice symmetry to it. Does she have these same regrets? That's what we always wonder. The last stanzas observations really make this accessible to more than the lone experience.


Tectak
Jan 2013

I enjoyed the poem for its sensory details and observations. It sort of reminded me thematically of Carolyn Forche's Reunion.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for the kind words, todd. Work in Progress.Taking a leaf from your book.Edit 3 and 3a uo but that's it for a while on this one.
Best,
tectak

---

Hi Tectek, not a lot to critique on this one. You put a few subtle changes into the edit that I like, a she here, a candle light there. The choices made the poem expand from a simple reflection on the past to something warmer, more of a sensory experience. Some comments below:

In this room, I lay with loves I met.
I filed away the images I knew--I keep wondering if it might be better if you cut the full stop on L1 and led this line with "to file". Just a thought. I also love the break on knew
would rise again, like wraiths of raw regret,--That's an evocative line. When you take it with the later greyed out phantoms line you have something more three dimensional than a film in memory.
to dash my dreams of holding on to you.

You lie beside me as the light disclaims--disclaims is a fantastic word choice for the line and the theme.
the greyed out phantoms, fantasies still clear.
Another slips across my recalled frames
and strange, I taste the sweetness of her tears.--These are the types of details that elevate the poem. When the narrator steps back into the experience of the moment and we get these sensory flashes. From this point on, I would like to see something that captures the actual moment like this in each of the next stanzas save the last two where it moves back into the present.

Then there was the long and snow-deep night;--snow-deep night accomplishes part of that request. In that you get a sense of isolation for the couple. Its like their normal lives are blocked off from them, and it can be about them alone
she sat upon this discrete bed and cried.--All about the word choices here. The discrete bed now implies a need for her to separate herself, and the tears are not like the earlier ones. Nice detail to imply what she is leaving, and what she is returning to
I watched her, naked, rise in candle light;--candle light is such a nice addition here. It's important to the poem that she is greyed out or in dim light. This is about what happened with her, not about the her under the full light of the sun.
then dress so slowly, leaving off her pride.--Leaving off her pride and the next few lines seem to imply that this was a chance encounter. She arrived with pride, but didn't leave with. This is the first and only time for the two lovers.

I look to where a silhouette still lies;--again a play with light. I like this
her name she kept, she never made it known.--Great detail. That gives us an awful lot about the regret, the scenario itself
We thrashed and threw our passion to the skies;
but when I woke and called her…she was gone.--The narrator saw her rise and get dressed, the implication is she left in full sight of him. Did he return to sleep and then the memory of it all caused him to call out for her again? I don't this calling as a telephone.

I damn you for your bodies, ageless, pure!--Just fantastic observation of aging and regret. They always stay young.
Why do old recollections stay so new?
How could I love so long, yet be unsure?
Is this my dream...or are you dreaming, too?--The new conclusion has some nice symmetry to it. Does she have these same regrets? That's what we always wonder. The last stanzas observations really make this accessible to more than the lone experience.


Tectak
Jan 2013

I enjoyed the poem for its sensory details and observations. It sort of reminded me thematically of Carolyn Forche's Reunion.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for the kind words, todd. Work in Progress.Taking a leaf from your book.Edit 3 and 3a uo but that's it for a while on this one.
Best,
tectak