02-25-2013, 10:43 PM
At risk of being previous - I offer some explanation, not justification for the thing could morph.
(02-25-2013, 10:10 PM)billy Wrote: at least it arrived
i struggled mid poem but i like a lot of whats going on. i think the magician lines need expanding a little. you have a good base for a good poem.
(02-25-2013, 08:02 PM)Stalker Wrote: Blinkered by youth,
undefeatable optimism,
the feet have no nose. i like the opener, this line works on more than 1 level. it's funny and serious at the same time. it's like a warning of bad oemns etc. This is an idiom / proverb from isiXhosa, meaning exactly be careful where you step, and more that a traveller has no sense of danger.
I didn’t know
what was hidden
in the piles of leaves
I kicked. this is plain speaking, (to men who live in the gutter) it does read like standing in shit. which works with the stanza above.
Squinting to read,
unenviable vanity,
the hands have no eyes. this is where i stumbled, i have to stop reding in order to decipher the meaning, and i'm left wondering if i got it right So I stretch the (very well known? isiXhosa to my own idiom (in waiting) - look at what I hold. And more specifically because of my pride I cannot see.
I can’t see
what I find, => maybe I change to 'hold'
moss in the bark is this a question or a statement?
I touched.
I feel my way
through the branches and trunks,
the buds and the broken twigs.=> reference to cummings perhaps I change twigs to roots to make that more obvious
The magician pulls time where did the magician come from, a lead in would help this line be more reader friendly
from his hat => reference to todd (whose poetry, rumour has it as well known as cummings in these parts)
a masterful illusion
since the sun has no voice. =>back to cummings and thus a rejection of romanticism, my aloneless.
So I have not seen the big picture, I cannot make sense of the details and time is not inifinte. Limited vision and no corrective lens available. I cannot see the wood for the trees.
StalKy
Hmmm not the poem I imagined - but the one that has arrived, UNINVITED.
