Where I lay my head edit 2 newsclippings, pet ak

[billy]

sorry for not replying tom busy travelling and getting settled in for a while in the uk. anyway, here goes, i'll just comment on the edit.

i enjoyed the read, and the sentiment of the memories. for me there are too many I's that start sentences which make the meter feel a bit forced, the secrecy of the poem shines through, and some of the pain that secrecy brought. some of the line are borderline cliche which in this type of poem doesn't add anything, unusally for you, i'd say more image and less tell.

In this room, I lay with loves I met.
I filed away the images I knew I,I,I, it's always about you isn't it , could you kill one of them or substite, maybe an 'and' on the third instance?
would rise again, like wraiths of raw regret, nice alitteration at work (including wraiths.)
to dash my dreams of holding on to you.

You lie beside me as the light disclaims
the greyed out phantoms, fantasies still clear.
Another slips across my recalled frames a, instead of my,
and strange, I taste the sweetness of her tears.

Then there was the long and snow-deep night; half a foot would help the meter, then, there, was, the, and,...to many packing words , 5 out of 10 on this line. 'then there was' could be something more solid
she sat upon this discrete bed and cried.
I watched her, naked, rise in candle light;
then dress so slowly, leaving off her pride.

I look to where a silhouette still lies;
her name she kept, she never made it known.
We thrashed and threw our passion to the skies;
but when I woke and called her…she was gone.

I damn you for your bodies, ageless, pure!
Why do old recollections stay so new?
How could I love so long, yet be unsure?
Is this my dream...or are you dreaming, too?

Tectak
Jan 2013