02-24-2013, 10:47 PM
Mskarma - I see this languishing without any feedback - so I will give you line by line.
When the heart failed to bear
The endless despair anymore=> not sure about the rhyming scheme here, and endless and anymore?
Let the sand burn the pads of my feet=> you seem to have mixed tenses here, these first lines need to agree timewise, else it is a jolt and we don't know where we are, current action or a past telling.
In that stagger into the stretched beach=> i don't like the in that followed by into, perhaps get rid of the 'In'
Let the ankles soak with the shore
When the tides hit it once more =>tide not tides if we want to agree wth once I think
Let the steps fall beyond the coast
Until the knees taste the host=> forced rhyme IMO
Let the raising surf check its rage
When it could reach my heart’s cage=> why could?
Let the sinking Sun stare into my eyes
When the brine swollen all the tears => the word swollen does not seem much like english here, swells? IDK this is difficult.
Fear and pain were all rend=>rent? IDK if rend like this is a word.
After the mind fading into end.=> tense confused again?
I get what you are writing about perfectly, find peace thru walking into the sea and drowning there. The english is a bit suspect in places.
cheers
StalKeR
[/quote]
When the heart failed to bear
The endless despair anymore=> not sure about the rhyming scheme here, and endless and anymore?
Let the sand burn the pads of my feet=> you seem to have mixed tenses here, these first lines need to agree timewise, else it is a jolt and we don't know where we are, current action or a past telling.
In that stagger into the stretched beach=> i don't like the in that followed by into, perhaps get rid of the 'In'
Let the ankles soak with the shore
When the tides hit it once more =>tide not tides if we want to agree wth once I think
Let the steps fall beyond the coast
Until the knees taste the host=> forced rhyme IMO
Let the raising surf check its rage
When it could reach my heart’s cage=> why could?
Let the sinking Sun stare into my eyes
When the brine swollen all the tears => the word swollen does not seem much like english here, swells? IDK this is difficult.
Fear and pain were all rend=>rent? IDK if rend like this is a word.
After the mind fading into end.=> tense confused again?
I get what you are writing about perfectly, find peace thru walking into the sea and drowning there. The english is a bit suspect in places.
cheers
StalKeR
[/quote]