Newton's Cradle

[Todd]

Hi Todd,
Similarly to tectak I feel somewhat reluctant to dive into this and offer my thoughts...but from the other end of the spectrum. I am not a well read or particularly up on the in scientific sound bites of string, chaos, or any of the other popular theories that are currently doing the rounds.
So I guess as I approach this my first question will be, is this beyond my understanding, will it be too technically symbolic and science theory encoded to be accessible to me. I mention this to indicate where my starting basis is, as I approach this.

It was the title that hooked me in to have a read before I saw what section it was in or your name as an author so I think as far as it goes this makes it a good title with a strong image connection that I readily understood.
The title gives me an image of the popular desk toy of the 70's - 80's that was meant to demonstrate the conservation of momentum and energy. I have a recollection that it was all about the transference of a shock wave

- so I am thinking that this poem is going to be talking about, the effects of a shock wave in society or life in general and how these are perpetuated. This makes for an interesting thought / idea that i like very much.

--AJ, thanks for taking me through your thought process up to this point. I love where you took it. I'm glad it didn't turn out too scientifically esoteric for you . That thankfully, wasn't where I was going. I tend to flit between topics so your usually safe.

Terror is never as simple as a doll
with a butcher’s knife crawling
through ventilation shafts. I'm thinking of almost every horror film I have ever seen. The paranoia and raw fear of being hunted by an impossible and undefeatable force. I particularly like the subtly of the reference to the ventilation shaft. A small space connected with a life essential. Subliminally my thought immediately take me to a sense of being cut off (how small is a nose or a mouth when the need for air is so great)--I was thinking of a movie my Grandparents let me watch with them when we I was about four: Small little men with straight razors crawling through ventilation shafts in an old home. It's been at least 40 years but its stayed with me. So, horror film feel yep.

It is always the unseen
clacking ball, the imperceptible
connections,
of butterflies wings and tornadoes. I like what this stanza is saying, but do not like "connections" standing alone. To my eye and ear, I would place clanking ball on a line and move the imperceptible down to join connections. + is the comma needed after connections? (JMO). I have enough knowledge of the catch words and pictures to get the butterflies and tornadoes ref so I'm still hanging in there.--another note on connections. Thank you

We scan the skies for flying monkeys.
Or wander through corn fields
to the music of the moon with its midnight waltz
of straw zombies in need of brains--
simple distractions to protect us from the truth. Yep still with you (on my level anyway).... wizard of OZ pictures. Dream state / confusion / unreality.

The witch cackle, cackles and you will believe
that you can never go home: ...and here's the meat of the fear.

where the fingerprint will smudge
cancer on an X-ray,

where the clatter of the metal duct
covers the creak of tiny feet on hardwood,

and where the funnel cloud swirls
like a swarm of restless bees. Cancer / murdered / holocaust..which will it be. Which swing ball will hit us out of the game with a transferred shock wave

The ball is already swinging. Great image to communicate the passing of time...the ticking clock, the running of sand in a timer...the ball swing slowly reducing. Love this connection.

Death comes first
then the dying. Nicely put. good ending.

--It was instructive to read your reactions to know whether the line was hitting or not. Thanks.

it would seam that i had little to fear. Whilst it might be that my thoughts have trivialised a deep read with shallow appreciations in answer to my first question - Will I be able to get anything out of this is?, or is it as I feared from (wrongly) reading tectaks comments before critiquing, (let that be a lesson to me) beyond my understanding because of the subtle and clever use of "deeper things" than I have a grasp of...the answer is a resonding:- Yes. There is plenty that I can get hold of and work.
So thanks for the read Todd. Apart from a couple of very minor nits over punctuation I think is is well concieved and crafted.

Thank you, AJ

Best.

Todd

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hey, this is great! I mean, simply brilliant! I know this is 'serious crit' etc. and I should give some something or whatnot, but I can't fault it, structurally, conceptually, chucky'ly...
the one thing I am curious about is, am I right in thinking that 'straw zombies', apart from the obvious, is a a reference to 'straw dogs'? In which case although I am delighted of its mention, that particular film does jar with the overall concept of the poem for me. But my god, this is just a small detail, and to be honest, leaving it in makes me want to read and reread it more.

Thanks shem, I get that way sometimes in serious. I connect with something, and just pass on my appreciation. As the writer, I certainly don't mind. . As far as Straw Dogs go...I'm embarrassed to say its one I've missed seeing. I've heard its good. I think they made a remake, but I mostly thinking of the original. So, if any of that movie is in this it's an accidental thing. Appreciate the kind words.

Best,

Todd

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Since I know I can be aggravating with these choices. Here's why I did it. I normally never like one word lines, in this case though. I was thinking of the balls swinging back and forth and for whatever reason connections alone felt like it was doing that action visually between the lines it was sandwiched between. If this is a failure its because I just got enamored with replicated an effect...if that makes any sense at all. I'm not saying its the best choice, but I don't know if these things work until I try them, get critique, and look at them. I feel if I don't do it. I may be missing an interesting opportunity. More times than not, I remove them. There are rare occasions when they stay.
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That. I can see that you're trying to go for the effect, but the effort sort of falls apart after the second stanza. If you're really keen on the effect, just go all out, and go for shorter lines, which pretty much mean cutting off most of the current long lines into two. If it's something you're unsure about or feel that doesn't work, you should clean up the structure a little. Just my two cents, hope it helps! =)

Yeah, I see your point Brandon. If I want that effect. I should probably have went all out. Right Justify, Left Justify, Right Justify down the page. I may do a draft like that privately and see what I think. You make a good point though. Appreciate it.

It's funny where we take these edits from the chess thread isn't it?

Thanks for dropping by.

Best,

Todd