02-24-2013, 09:28 PM
Since I know I can be aggravating with these choices. Here's why I did it. I normally never like one word lines, in this case though. I was thinking of the balls swinging back and forth and for whatever reason connections alone felt like it was doing that action visually between the lines it was sandwiched between. If this is a failure its because I just got enamored with replicated an effect...if that makes any sense at all. I'm not saying its the best choice, but I don't know if these things work until I try them, get critique, and look at them. I feel if I don't do it. I may be missing an interesting opportunity. More times than not, I remove them. There are rare occasions when they stay.
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That. I can see that you're trying to go for the effect, but the effort sort of falls apart after the second stanza. If you're really keen on the effect, just go all out, and go for shorter lines, which pretty much mean cutting off most of the current long lines into two. If it's something you're unsure about or feel that doesn't work, you should clean up the structure a little. Just my two cents, hope it helps! =)
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That. I can see that you're trying to go for the effect, but the effort sort of falls apart after the second stanza. If you're really keen on the effect, just go all out, and go for shorter lines, which pretty much mean cutting off most of the current long lines into two. If it's something you're unsure about or feel that doesn't work, you should clean up the structure a little. Just my two cents, hope it helps! =)
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