Newton's Cradle

[Todd]

Hi Tectak,

You've given me some edit ideas that I'm pretty sure I'm going to take thank you.

Hi todd,
I am always stunned by the breadth of you repertoire. So much so that I am over inclined to crit what I see as fallacies or failings in "fact" rather than in execution. This is not how I want to be seen by you and so I am going to concentrate on the poetry this time. Line by line with my usual enjoinder, now no longer stated , regarding line-out. You are
a lost
cause--Thank you. If you were to meet many of the people I know you would hear them say, "Todd, he's got an odd way of thinking about things--which is probably why my ideas are so out there." I really do appreciate the "fact" critiques as well as execution. I remember one critique you gave me where you discussed distillation and fermentation. I appreciated being able to improve the poem and not look like an idiot at the same time.
Terror is never as simple as a doll
with a butcher’s knife crawling
through ventilation shafts.What this says, condensed, is that the "feeling" of terror is not: a doll...with a knife...in a shaft". You are using the relative "quantity" of the "simple" ingredient ( ie. more, less or the same= "as") to describe the "quality" of the terror. Whilst this is a very subtle nit, it is a very subtle point you are making. I am not convinced that the doll/knife/shaft analogy is that simple. So what am I leading up to. Well, I like the next line as a substitute.

" Terror is never as simple as
the unseen clacking ball.
It is always the doll with a butcher’s knife,
crawling through ventilation shafts;
with the imperceptible connections...". You may, and will, disagree no doubt. As I said, it is a subtle nit in a subtle poem.--Actually, I think I agree with you here. I'm likely to make this change. I think your read on this is more correct than where my draft stands right now. It's a can't see the forest through the trees thing (cliches are allowed in responses I hope).

It is always the unseen
clacking ball, the imperceptible
connections, This is the last time. I promise WHY IS CONNECTIONS ON ANOTHER LINE? Phew! That's better--Since I know I can be aggravating with these choices. Here's why I did it. I normally never like one word lines, in this case though. I was thinking of the balls swinging back and forth and for whatever reason connections alone felt like it was doing that action visually between the lines it was sandwiched between. If this is a failure its because I just got enamored with replicated an effect...if that makes any sense at all. I'm not saying its the best choice, but I don't know if these things work until I try them, get critique, and look at them. I feel if I don't do it. I may be missing an interesting opportunity. More times than not, I remove them. There are rare occasions when they stay.
of butterflies wings and tornadoes. a butterfly's wings. The chaos theory is probably no longer esoteric but I am not sure it is/was terror inducing. I don't really see the connection to the theme of the piece.--I'll let this sit for a bit, and see if I agree.

We scan the skies for flying monkeys.no full stop required here
Or wander through corn fields
to the music of the moon with its midnight waltzI read it out loud. I think a comma after "moon" or I get too breathless to waltz
of straw zombies in need of brains----Thanks for the punctuation notes
simple distractions to protect us from the truth.On balance I like this thought. If anything you could drop the "...in need of brains" as it mixes a Wizard of Oz metaphor with a million other Zombie tales. It distracts from the building mental image of the one, by making me think of the other!--another one I'll give some thought to

The witch cackle, cackles and you will believe
that you can never go home:

where the fingerprint will smudge
cancer on an X-ray,This line seems strangely undomesticated compared to the rest...or am I missing something?

where the clatter of the metal duct
covers the creak of tiny feet on hardwood,Strictly speaking, no comma needed here. In fact it is an irritant because you are in the throes of impetuous declaration. You can see in your mind, one after the other, emotive images all of which evoke a feeling of dread... don't stop or pause. Let them flood out and purge you.--point taken. I'll make the change

and where the funnel cloud swirls
like a swarm of restless bees.

The ball is already swinging.

Death comes first
then the dying.....but the rest is is pure theatre. Love it.[b]

I square the circle, todd. Where the hell do you get these concepts from? I read a leannism yesterday, somewhere, when she quoted someone as implying that poetry was dead as it had all been written. It hasn't. You prove it again and again.--Thanks. I honestly rarely know if anything is going to work. I just look for different angles to approach. I appreciate the time you took, and the encouragement.
Best,
tectak

Best,

Todd