Newton's Cradle

[tectak]

Hi todd,
I am always stunned by the breadth of you repertoire. So much so that I am over inclined to crit what I see as fallacies or failings in "fact" rather than in execution. This is not how I want to be seen by you and so I am going to concentrate on the poetry this time. Line by line with my usual enjoinder, now no longer stated , regarding line-out. You are
a lost
cause
Terror is never as simple as a doll
with a butcher’s knife crawling
through ventilation shafts.What this says, condensed, is that the "feeling" of terror is not: a doll...with a knife...in a shaft". You are using the relative "quantity" of the "simple" ingredient ( ie. more, less or the same= "as") to describe the "quality" of the terror. Whilst this is a very subtle nit, it is a very subtle point you are making. I am not convinced that the doll/knife/shaft analogy is that simple. So what am I leading up to. Well, I like the next line as a substitute.

" Terror is never as simple as
the unseen clacking ball.
It is always the doll with a butcher’s knife,
crawling through ventilation shafts;
with the imperceptible connections...". You may, and will, disagree no doubt. As I said, it is a subtle nit in a subtle poem.

It is always the unseen
clacking ball, the imperceptible
connections, This is the last time. I promise WHY IS CONNECTIONS ON ANOTHER LINE? Phew! That's better
of butterflies wings and tornadoes. a butterfly's wings. The chaos theory is probably no longer esoteric but I am not sure it is/was terror inducing. I don't really see the connection to the theme of the piece.

We scan the skies for flying monkeys.no full stop required here
Or wander through corn fields
to the music of the moon with its midnight waltzI read it out loud. I think a comma after "moon" or I get too breathless to waltz
of straw zombies in need of brains--
simple distractions to protect us from the truth.On balance I like this thought. If anything you could drop the "...in need of brains" as it mixes a Wizard of Oz metaphor with a million other Zombie tales. It distracts from the building mental image of the one, by making me think of the other!

The witch cackle, cackles and you will believe
that you can never go home:

where the fingerprint will smudge
cancer on an X-ray,This line seems strangely undomesticated compared to the rest...or am I missing something?

where the clatter of the metal duct
covers the creak of tiny feet on hardwood,Strictly speaking, no comma needed here. In fact it is an irritant because you are in the throes of impetuous declaration. You can see in your mind, one after the other, emotive images all of which evoke a feeling of dread... don't stop or pause. Let them flood out and purge you.

and where the funnel cloud swirls
like a swarm of restless bees.

The ball is already swinging.

Death comes first
then the dying.....but the rest is is pure theatre. Love it.[b]

I square the circle, todd. Where the hell do you get these concepts from? I read a leannism yesterday, somewhere, when she quoted someone as implying that poetry was dead as it had all been written. It hasn't. You prove it again and again.
Best,
tectak