02-21-2013, 07:14 AM
Hi Smiffy -- there are some terrific ideas in here, especially the middle and end of the poem (love "only grey" both as the title and in the ultimate line).
I tend to think that the poem actually starts at "we blur its edges". There's nothing wrong with the first couple of lines but they're not really necessary. Do you need "of love" at the end of L10? I get the feeling that's one too many loves
A couple of -ings that could be replaced as well, for variety.
And we're not in a critique forum... sorry... but I like so much about the poem that I really feel like I want to love it as a whole
I tend to think that the poem actually starts at "we blur its edges". There's nothing wrong with the first couple of lines but they're not really necessary. Do you need "of love" at the end of L10? I get the feeling that's one too many loves
A couple of -ings that could be replaced as well, for variety.And we're not in a critique forum... sorry... but I like so much about the poem that I really feel like I want to love it as a whole
It could be worse