02-21-2013, 07:12 AM
This has some pretty cool language in it. This isn't a critique forum, but a few comments:
How easily it grows
How easily it goes
We blur its edges
Stretching to gossamer thin--seems like it or them may be better than to
Wrapping ourselves in dreams of plenty
While lurking in the background
Waiting to fall like an African night--absolutely love this line and it makes the pain line work because it's such a nice concrete image
Waits a pain so unimaginable--don't know about the repetition on waits. It doesn't sound bad but with might be a better option
That we begin to fear love itself--fantastic revelation here
Until comes a moment where we draw a soft charcoal line of love--syntax feels a bit awkward. Maybe "Until the moment..."
Feathering the edges with reasons
Until only grey remains--great final two lines
Much enjoyed, thanks
Todd
How easily it grows
How easily it goes
We blur its edges
Stretching to gossamer thin--seems like it or them may be better than to
Wrapping ourselves in dreams of plenty
While lurking in the background
Waiting to fall like an African night--absolutely love this line and it makes the pain line work because it's such a nice concrete image
Waits a pain so unimaginable--don't know about the repetition on waits. It doesn't sound bad but with might be a better option
That we begin to fear love itself--fantastic revelation here
Until comes a moment where we draw a soft charcoal line of love--syntax feels a bit awkward. Maybe "Until the moment..."
Feathering the edges with reasons
Until only grey remains--great final two lines
Much enjoyed, thanks
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson