02-20-2013, 06:01 AM
(02-20-2013, 12:32 AM)brandontoh Wrote: You can assume from a line by line that this is worth it
Pending Judgment
It’s suffocating.
Not literally, but still
I gasp for air I don’t need. Fine opener. You have given the reader a hint of what is to come. This is going to be uncomfortable. I am ready.
Feels like my soul is twistedGood. "It" (you started it) is as bad as I thought. Suggestion to avoid the possibility that the knot doesn't exist. " Feels like my soul, if it even exists, is twisted into a knot" Yes? We are still angst-stricken. Jolly good. Onwards,then.
into a knot.
If it even exists.
No, I don’t want to know.
The only way out
is to know, but
I don’t want to know. know, no, know, no! I know what you are trying to say and how you are trying to say it...but I just don't know if it works. On balance, I would probably drop this stanza as it is a gestalt which questions then answers itself leaving nothing to carry forward. Yes. I would drop it.
Fear, it must be.
What else can it be?
Of the unknown,
superficially.
Of failure,
of hard evidence
of incompetence,
actually. This stanza just needs rearranging. You will now say, if you were sonata, no! I am trying to imply a lack of clarity due to my impaired functionality. You do not understand and that is good. Well it is not good. You have, however, said quite enough in this stanza to justify its existence. So just rearrange, actually.
So, this is being normal.
Then I’d rather stay the weirdoOh bliss...oh joy! At last. A non-professorial crit. "the weirdo" Singular." at least have.." Plural. "To his stoicism". Singular. Come on! Straighten up and fly right.
who at least have enigmatic depth
to his stoicism.
----------------
Hi brand.
There is much not right with this BUT is has just too many redeemable features to consign it to room 101. This is a can of condensed soup which does what it says on the tin...you need to add water to get the full volume. I think it is a little too dense and anally retentive. I would suggest that you expand the thing but drop the gestalt stanza. This kind of angst verse does not benefit from the instant gratification of in-stanza analysis. Better to leave questions unanswered. I particularly liked the inevitability of acceptance in "...I'd rather stay a weirdo...." but would warn you that it is not being a weirdo that sets you apart.....it is knowing you are not normal!
Best,
tectak
----------------------
As usual, all feedback is greatly appreciated and thanks for reading my poem! =)
'A' Level results will be released in a couple weeks' time. I retook it this year as a private candidate. In my whole exam filled life, this is the first time I actually feel this frustration of waiting for the results to be released. The first time I took the exams, I expected to outright flunk. Things happened, I had an emotional breakdown, so I knew I was going to do badly. Before that, I've always been a high-flyer who can just breeze through exams like they're nothing. 2 years without a schooling environment and basically a full-time job made me realise how difficult it is to actually study with all the extra responsibilities in life. Without mentors to guide me along and without classmates to compare progress with, I'm really, really scared. I don't want to disappoint my family, my old teachers, and most importantly, myself. Yes, it's a rant. A rather incoherent and long one. Sorry if I wasted your time. =/ This poem is written to get rid of this annoying feeling. It works, but doesn't really completely remove this feeling.
(02-20-2013, 12:32 AM)brandontoh Wrote: You can assume from a line by line that this is worth it
Pending Judgment
It’s suffocating.
Not literally, but still
I gasp for air I don’t need. Fine opener. You have given the reader a hint of what is to come. This is going to be uncomfortable. I am ready.
Feels like my soul is twistedGood. "It" (you started it) is as bad as I thought. Suggestion to avoid the possibility that the knot doesn't exist. " Feels like my soul, if it even exists, is twisted into a knot" Yes? We are still angst-stricken. Jolly good. Onwards,then.
into a knot.
If it even exists.
No, I don’t want to know.
The only way out
is to know, but
I don’t want to know. know, no, know, no! I know what you are trying to say and how you are trying to say it...but I just don't know if it works. On balance, I would probably drop this stanza as it is a gestalt which questions then answers itself leaving nothing to carry forward. Yes. I would drop it.
Fear, it must be.
What else can it be?
Of the unknown,
superficially.
Of failure,
of hard evidence
of incompetence,
actually. This stanza just needs rearranging. You will now say, if you were sonata, no! I am trying to imply a lack of clarity due to my impaired functionality. You do not understand and that is good. Well it is not good. You have, however, said quite enough in this stanza to justify its existence. So just rearrange, actually.
So, this is being normal.
Then I’d rather stay the weirdoOh bliss...oh joy! At last. A non-professorial crit. "the weirdo" Singular." at least have.." Plural. "To his stoicism". Singular. Come on! Straighten up and fly right.
who at least have enigmatic depth
to his stoicism.
----------------
Hi brand.
There is much not right with this BUT is has just too many redeemable features to consign it to room 101. This is a can of condensed soup which does what it says on the tin...you need to add water to get the full volume. I think it is a little too dense and anally retentive. I would suggest that you expand the thing but drop the gestalt stanza. This kind of angst verse does not benefit from the instant gratification of in-stanza analysis. Better to leave questions unanswered. I particularly liked the inevitability of acceptance in "...I'd rather stay a weirdo...." but would warn you that it is not being a weirdo that sets you apart.....it is knowing you are not normal!
Best,
tectak
----------------------
As usual, all feedback is greatly appreciated and thanks for reading my poem! =)
'A' Level results will be released in a couple weeks' time. I retook it this year as a private candidate. In my whole exam filled life, this is the first time I actually feel this frustration of waiting for the results to be released. The first time I took the exams, I expected to outright flunk. Things happened, I had an emotional breakdown, so I knew I was going to do badly. Before that, I've always been a high-flyer who can just breeze through exams like they're nothing. 2 years without a schooling environment and basically a full-time job made me realise how difficult it is to actually study with all the extra responsibilities in life. Without mentors to guide me along and without classmates to compare progress with, I'm really, really scared. I don't want to disappoint my family, my old teachers, and most importantly, myself. Yes, it's a rant. A rather incoherent and long one. Sorry if I wasted your time. =/ This poem is written to get rid of this annoying feeling. It works, but doesn't really completely remove this feeling.