The March

[tectak]

1ST EDIT:A line by line...though it does have its own legs to stand on
The March
What used to be
Green canopies on
Glorious warzones
Is now a mere carpet. First of all, I am not sure you have matched content to form. This first stanza is a single statement...a hard unarguable fact. You weaken the impact, which could be considerable, by unnecessary enjambment and capitalising each "line". This is only a suggestion but It would seem better to emphasise the strength of the stanza by clarity than to weaken it by obscure form. So:
What used to be green canopies,
on glorious warzones,
is now a mere carpet.
There is a grand finality in closed comments which adds to the "weight". It is up to you,of course, but an opening stanza as an opening statement is powerful.


Peace, some suggests,suggest
But I say death.Drop the confusing capital....then excellent observation.Envious

They marched to make merry,
For their favourite child.
Wistful imagining
Removed bloodshed,
Made heroes out of them. I really like this because it is heartfelt but am very unsure why you cut the tail off the tiger and broke up this stanza with a line gap to the next. The two stanzas are crying out for closeness. Why have you split the pair so irritatingly?

They then marched back;
Mission accomplished,
For the last time.

Then veteran yellow is awarded,...or rewarded?
And warmth kept with dust blankets.
Toy soldiers yearn for the frontline,
Wishing upon the light sliver sliver?[/b]

To tread ever so softly
On the raging velvet once again.The gap between the stanzas is bizarre. You would be better to conform to content rather than the gimmicky use of thoughtless/pretentious shape shifting. Overall, I like the content and the expressive effort. If you can justify the strange line outs I would happily concede.....but my confidence is high that you cannot
Best
tectak


ORIGINAL:
The March
What used to be
Green canopy and
Awe-inspiring velvet
Is now a mere shell scrape.

No room to stretch,
To even stand.

They marched to make merry,
For their favourite child.
Wistful imagining
Removed bloodshed,
Made heroes out of them.

They then marched back,
Cramped in the bunk.

Until veteran yellow is awarded,
And warmth kept with dust blankets.
Toy soldiers yearn for the frontline,
Wishing upon the light sliver

To tread ever so softly
On the green canopy once again.
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Thanks for reading my poem! =) All feedback is greatly appreciated! =D