02-18-2013, 04:47 AM
The first two lines are great (although, you may want to consider other options for the possessive adjective ‘my’… ‘my cell… my guard… my lips’ etc. repetition can be really good but not here)
‘eyes like the ocean’ could seem a little cliché. (note, I love this cliché so it didn’t bother me anyhow)
Oh my, S2 is wonderful, simply wonderful.
The rest of the poem has some good concepts (but watch out for clichés) and obviously ties them up, but I would suggest, why not trying couplets, just for a start.
‘eyes like the ocean’ could seem a little cliché. (note, I love this cliché so it didn’t bother me anyhow)
Oh my, S2 is wonderful, simply wonderful.
The rest of the poem has some good concepts (but watch out for clichés) and obviously ties them up, but I would suggest, why not trying couplets, just for a start.