02-16-2013, 04:35 PM
the famous beat poets, tried to break the mould of what was normal poetry, they dissed the establishment, tried to break down what society had become, through a new kind of poetry and mix of hallucinogenics,
as far as i can see in your poem doesn't really have a story to break down, doesn't attck the system, doesn't ask questions about traffic jams, supermarkets or auto mobiles to name a few. while i dislike ginsberg, i did like his supermarket in california, but only after a lot of reads. in it he does have and use his expressive vocabulary, but he doesn't indulge in using it for the sake of it, he tells a story of his fantasies of what he thinks of whitman etc. the poetry feels lived in, like an old jack everyone can relate to, the feelings and emotions he eludes to being universal.
your poem on the other hand feels as though it wants to be a bit smart and clever. nothing wrong with that if that's where you want it to go, if not, cut back on connecting words together and create pictures
don't be disheartened by what i'm saying, the great thing is that you're trying, that you're trying with some kind of aim or purpose. for that you deserve AAA. great effort.
as far as i can see in your poem doesn't really have a story to break down, doesn't attck the system, doesn't ask questions about traffic jams, supermarkets or auto mobiles to name a few. while i dislike ginsberg, i did like his supermarket in california, but only after a lot of reads. in it he does have and use his expressive vocabulary, but he doesn't indulge in using it for the sake of it, he tells a story of his fantasies of what he thinks of whitman etc. the poetry feels lived in, like an old jack everyone can relate to, the feelings and emotions he eludes to being universal.
your poem on the other hand feels as though it wants to be a bit smart and clever. nothing wrong with that if that's where you want it to go, if not, cut back on connecting words together and create pictures
don't be disheartened by what i'm saying, the great thing is that you're trying, that you're trying with some kind of aim or purpose. for that you deserve AAA. great effort.