confessions from the used and broken hearted

[Leanne]

Chantelle, that's what the workshop is for -- reading poems and helping each other improve

Now, as I said you do have a germ of an idea here -- how to bring it out is up to you. The best way to decide what will work is to read as widely as you can and see how other people are doing it. That's not to say that you need to be the same as anyone else, but there are techniques that you will pick up through reading that you can then employ in your own poem.

Already it looks better in the different format. Try playing with your sentence structure and using images to show, not tell (you'll hear that phrase a lot). Condense. For example:

But you feel weak.
The weakness consumes your entire body.
It grows inside you at night, and consumes your thoughts.
You can’t ignore it, in the end the weakness encompasses your whole body.

This could have been said in just one line, maybe two. I'd probably go with "but weakness consumes you" -- all the other words are unnecessary detail.

If you're happy to accept criticism (and it sounds like you are, which always makes us happy here!), then we can move your poem to Mild Critique or the Novice forum if you'd prefer.