02-16-2013, 03:48 AM
Hi -- you have a fairly strong opening line with an interesting image. I'm disappointed that this isn't continued through the piece.
There are reasons we use paragraphs in prose, or line breaks in poems. A block of text like this can be a chore to read, especially when there are so many grammatical and logical errors, e.g. "Your body loves feeling free but feels caged all at once" ("all at once" makes no sense -- do you mean "at the same time"? Even that is fairly redundant. A stop after "caged" would serve you better); "but from your soft skin up is a dead." (dead what?); "Aliveness is drained from you" ("aliveness" is new age term that really fails as a word for me personally -- it may be different for you, but I don't see anything wrong with using words like "vitality" that are much less awkward and artificial-sounding); "You feel like they grabbed a piece of your heart and kept it in their cold, hard bed" (how many lovers are in this bedroom? He or she, not they); "so painful you can hardly bare it" (bear).
There is the germ of an idea here but it's being drowned in words. I know you haven't put this up for critique but it would be very dishonest of me to simply say "wow, I enjoyed this, great job". I mean, I probably could have enjoyed it had it been condensed. Perhaps you'll edit. I hope so.
There are reasons we use paragraphs in prose, or line breaks in poems. A block of text like this can be a chore to read, especially when there are so many grammatical and logical errors, e.g. "Your body loves feeling free but feels caged all at once" ("all at once" makes no sense -- do you mean "at the same time"? Even that is fairly redundant. A stop after "caged" would serve you better); "but from your soft skin up is a dead." (dead what?); "Aliveness is drained from you" ("aliveness" is new age term that really fails as a word for me personally -- it may be different for you, but I don't see anything wrong with using words like "vitality" that are much less awkward and artificial-sounding); "You feel like they grabbed a piece of your heart and kept it in their cold, hard bed" (how many lovers are in this bedroom? He or she, not they); "so painful you can hardly bare it" (bear).
There is the germ of an idea here but it's being drowned in words. I know you haven't put this up for critique but it would be very dishonest of me to simply say "wow, I enjoyed this, great job". I mean, I probably could have enjoyed it had it been condensed. Perhaps you'll edit. I hope so.
It could be worse