Words of love

[billy]

while it has a nice sentiment and most would love getting a poem such as this. it feels pretty weak. could the 2nd verse be made the first and the 1st made the last. the verses would be better if they were all quatrains.

Christina Rossetti wrote;

remember me when i am gone away
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.

while your 2nd line is good, it's a pretty well remembered one if you've read her poem. rossetti's poem works well because of the words, the meter, and the rhymes.

Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

EDIT:
When you are old and grey
And I am gone away
Read these words of love

Pause a moment and reflect
Upon the times when we first met
On stumbling words of love

Smile sweetly in your way
Remembering a winter’s day
Our separate lives we put away
With promises of love

Contemplate the life we spent
The credit marked against the debt
The sum of all we tried to say
Our countless words of love

In silence I know you will hear
All the words of love we shared
Freed from breath but spoken still
In memories of love

FIRST POST:
When you are old and grey
And I am gone away
Read these words of love

Pause a moment and reflect
Upon the times when we first met
On stumbling words of love

Smile sweetly in your way
Remembering a winter’s day
Our separate lives were put away
With promises of love

Analyze the life we spent
The credit marked against the debt
The sum of all we tried to say
Our countless words of love

In silence I know you will hear
All the words of love we shared
Freed from breath but spoken still
In memories of love