02-15-2013, 05:49 AM
Hi brandontoh. I enjoyed figuring this one out. Almost got it. Green canopy and awe inspiring velvet are the soldier’s tents? I initially thought the green canopies were hills, but if so I’m not sure how velvet fits in. And by bunk do you mean bunker or bed bunk? If bunker, I don’t see a need to shorten it.
I really liked some of your word choices, specifically “Wistful” and “light sliver” (also ever so softly and velvet). Toy soldiers could be changed in my taste (nothing in the poem so far has indicated that there’s anything toy about them, common saying aside). Also maybe the first two lined stanza might be changed to something else, though I do like the low key-ness of it as well as the rest. Just some thoughts, maybe more later.
Gary
I really liked some of your word choices, specifically “Wistful” and “light sliver” (also ever so softly and velvet). Toy soldiers could be changed in my taste (nothing in the poem so far has indicated that there’s anything toy about them, common saying aside). Also maybe the first two lined stanza might be changed to something else, though I do like the low key-ness of it as well as the rest. Just some thoughts, maybe more later.
Gary