Shadows

[Todd]

Hi Hobbit,

Just some thoughts to consider. I'm going to go a little out of order here. These two stanzas:

My body's just a vessel
Filled with shame and rage.
The shadows taken over,
My soul is in a cage.

What you see is not alive
It is dead from deep within.
Rotting and treacherous from the core,
A body full of sin.

Speak fairly clearly to the type of disassociation that comes from some sort of sexual abuse. The body is a vessel. There's a detachment like how a home feels after a burglary. The what you see is not alive speaks to going through the motions of life after trauma.

Now how to improve it: mostly at this point I'd like you to look at the meter. We've got some good threads on that in the practice forum. While I encourage you to read them, the first step is simpler. Read this out loud and ask where you're forcing the syntax to make the rhyme, or where the irregular length of the line causes the rhythm to feel off, then make adjustments.

I could focus on some other points but that's a good first step.

I hope that helps.

Best,

Todd