lost soul

[hobbit86]

I enjoyed this to read, all the feelings are jumping off the screen! I like poems you can straight off get a sense of the poet...I love poems, but I've always liked to read 'behind' the poem...and wonder what prompted the poet to write it, how they were feeling at the time, if I can relate, and if not relate, can I understand...and right away I can get all of that. It's a very open and honest poem. I like it.

But...I also feel too much rhyme...don't get me wrong. I love rhyme, the majority of mine rhyme (and probably also a bit too much)...in stead of having all the lines end in same rhyme (grey, pray, away, day)...perhaps make the 1st and 3rd line rhyme...and 2nd and 4th? or 1st and 2nd. then 3rd and 4th?

It's definately easy to read...again, just my personal choice...I find it much easier to read poems written in stanzas, rather than one big block of writing. So this straight away appeals to my eye

I watch the sky turn gray
I kneel down and pray
For God to take the pain away
And help me to be strong everyday
I like this stanza...good opening...but the last line just doesn't fit in with the rhythm.
...perhaps
And help me be strong today?
Not sure if that is any better

That's the one big thing that jumped at me was the rhythm in this stanza, perhaps as it was the start...I just think it needs a bit of tidying up in places regarding rhythm...I'm a novice myself...but what I do with any lines that rhyme, is try and make sure the paired lines have the same sylabuls...it doesn't always work and is one or two out...but anyhu...that's my bit of advice...not very good advice. lol.

I did like the poem...and I hope whatever hurt prompted this poem has gone away