02-13-2013, 03:43 PM
it's funny...reading this it appeared more to me as lyrics to a song...just the way it was written, just seemed it could have fit into a song somewhere...play an instrument? 
Although the jerkyness of the poem does make it a little harder to find a rhythm, it does work (although perhaps tidy it up a little?), because the fear, the tiredness, the sadness and extremes of emotions being in an abusive relationship would bring, I think if it had to be put to paper, that's how it would feel/sound? confusing, jumpy, and wouldn't be clear and neat on the page...so in a way you captured all that just by being a bit 'over the place' on the page...
not sure if that makes sense...suffering a bit of tiredness myself from swapping from nightshifts to a week off, lol.
Just needs tidying up a little, but I think it conveys the emotions well
Although the jerkyness of the poem does make it a little harder to find a rhythm, it does work (although perhaps tidy it up a little?), because the fear, the tiredness, the sadness and extremes of emotions being in an abusive relationship would bring, I think if it had to be put to paper, that's how it would feel/sound? confusing, jumpy, and wouldn't be clear and neat on the page...so in a way you captured all that just by being a bit 'over the place' on the page...
not sure if that makes sense...suffering a bit of tiredness myself from swapping from nightshifts to a week off, lol.
Just needs tidying up a little, but I think it conveys the emotions well
"We are the music makers
And we are the dreamers of dreams
Wandering by lone sea breakers
And sitting by desolate streams" ~ Arthur O'Shaughnessy
http://invisibleshadows86.blogspot.co.uk/
My journey
And we are the dreamers of dreams
Wandering by lone sea breakers
And sitting by desolate streams" ~ Arthur O'Shaughnessy
http://invisibleshadows86.blogspot.co.uk/
My journey