Voices Within My Head

[billy]

hi hobbit, no need for footnotes unless it's really needed, let the reader see the poetry by themselves, they'll enjoy it more. i'd suggest posting in mild or novice for now as serious crit is often in depth, this can at times be a little disheartening for some. the poem has a lot of cliche, (old or common phrases or word groups.) if possible try and replace them with original ones. the poem needs than to be told, try and show us,

The words trapped inside my head
could be.
words suffocate in the mineshaft of my head (just a suggestion)

thanks for the read.

I awake from these infected dreams,
Laughing, Screaming, crying. if you swapped this with the 1st line, would you have a stronger opening?
Hiding from the vile truth
My sanity slowly disappears.
The voices are screwing with my mind this and the next lines are cliche
The words trapped inside my head. is 'the' needed?

I try to remain in the cloud of hope, this line works for an ex weed smoker like me.
But the days are wasted, so does this on more than one level.
It is fantasy not reality.
So I try to smoke away the problems
Alone in isolation I remain, is 'i remain' needed?
With this madness, overwhelming, smothering.

I look into the blurred mirror would 'in' work better than 'i look into'?
There is no recognition, the familiarity has vanished, is 'the' needed?
All I see are cracked faces looking back at me. cracked faces look back
Reaching for the delicate rose the thorns attack, this seems to have just been added and it could leave the reader thinking "why is this here,' show some reason for the things you add, a transition or connection.
Bleeding and scarred I retreat
Returning to the lonely cave the words, the voices echoe echo
"this is my life!"

©Invisible Shadows 2007


I wrote this a few months after an event when I realised I was changed. I struggled to leave my uni flat, and so I tried various drugs to 'escape', which in hindsight made the anxieties much worst. I withdrew from friends, isolated myself, and tried to lock 'it' out...and so staying in my head was more of a comfort; but whatever I did, wherever I went, there was no escaping it...I could not escape or hide from myself!