Voices Within My Head

[brandontoh]

I awake from these infected dreams,
Laughing, Screaming, crying. -- These 2 lines set the poem up nicely. However, the tone is a little impersonal and can be a bit more subtle in my opinion. For example, 'Jerked from these infected dreams/By hysterics, by tears, by terror.' to me it works better because of the word choices. Not a great example, but I hope you can see what I'm getting at.
Hiding from the vile truth
My sanity slowly disappears.
The voices are screwing with my mind
The words trapped inside my head. -- These 4 lines are attempting to get some imageries going, but fall flat because they are, in my opinion, too 'telling'. Try using words like 'burst' and 'shriveled' for instance. More powerful and emotional words that can better illustrate an image. As it stands, it works, but I just feel that it can be made even better. The potential is there.

I try to remain in the cloud of hope
But the days are wasted,
It is fantasy not reality.
So I try to smoke away the problems
Alone in isolation I remain,
With this madness, overwhelming, smothering. -- Once again, too 'telling'. Instead of just telling the readers what's going on, try to show them. What this means is instead of explicitly saying what's going on, maybe you can talk about how the person feels, and things going on during the event that pops out to you etc.

I look into the blurred mirror
There is no recognition, the familiarity has vanished, -- This line can easily be reworded and shortened into something like 'A stranger stares back', which links nicely back to my point about showing instead of telling.
All I see are cracked faces looking back at me. -- Personally, if I were to continue off my own sub-par suggestion, I'd reword this line into something like 'In a cracked porcelain shell'. As it stands I find it a little weak. It's about word choices here.
Reaching for the delicate rose the thorns attack,
Bleeding and scarred I retreat
Returning to the lonely cave the words, the voices echoe -- Echo.
"this is my life!"

©Invisible Shadows 2007

Overall there's potential there. =) The main problem is that the word choices could be stronger and the imageries can be made more powerful as well. A good effort nonetheless. Remember, that all is my personal opinion so take what you will and toss what you don't need. Thanks for the read and hope I'm of help! =)

I wrote this a few months after an event when I realised I was changed. I struggled to leave my uni flat, and so I tried various drugs to 'escape', which in hindsight made the anxieties much worst. I withdrew from friends, isolated myself, and tried to lock 'it' out...and so staying in my head was more of a comfort; but whatever I did, wherever I went, there was no escaping it...I could not escape or hide from myself!

By the way I really like that you explain the poem AFTER the poem itself. It's a good practice so keep it up! =D