02-12-2013, 08:25 AM
Brandon, this won't be the most extensive critique I've given. I wanted to point out though what most stood out to me when I read your poem.
I like this image of a train streaming through a frozen world. I like that it than shifts to the speaker who is also frozen. It seems like a metaphor for thoughts moving but an inability to take action. I also really love the last image with the moon. That its the last train might also talk about being at some final point of decision.
I think if this were mine I'd be looking to pare it down so that the imagery popped even more. I could attempt to do it some, but I'll leave most of it up to you. For illustration, here's the kind of paring I might do in the first strophe.
It's the last train
Steaming through
The frozen world
I think going tighter may bring this out more.
Just a thought.
Best,
Todd
I like this image of a train streaming through a frozen world. I like that it than shifts to the speaker who is also frozen. It seems like a metaphor for thoughts moving but an inability to take action. I also really love the last image with the moon. That its the last train might also talk about being at some final point of decision.
I think if this were mine I'd be looking to pare it down so that the imagery popped even more. I could attempt to do it some, but I'll leave most of it up to you. For illustration, here's the kind of paring I might do in the first strophe.
It's the last train
Steaming through
The frozen world
I think going tighter may bring this out more.
Just a thought.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson