Humans Are Most Beautiful in Tragedy (Content Warning: Graphic Violence)

[Kreative]

Humans Are Most Beautiful in Tragedy


She said "Hey." Is the full stop needed? This verse could all be one sentence, and the rhythm might be improved by making it so.
And waved The lack of a comma here tripped me up when I read the next line, as really it's a separate clause.
Continued on her way
But did she know,
That as I watched her go, I like this line because it gives us action. Too many poems are just descriptions of feelings where nothing actually happens or is shown.
It would be today
I couldn't keep the demons at bay?

I followed her home
Found her there alone
Grabbed her as she struggled
I let out a small chuckle
As she tried clinging to the door
I lashed out, her body falling to the floor The shift in tone between verses is sudden and effective. The first verse could be about innocent, tortured love; here we move into psycho territory. It's a neat shock, almost Hitchcockian.

Drug her to her small, residential backyard "Drag"? Also, is "residential" needed?
Ear to ear, sliced her with a glass shard I feel like the clauses of this sentence should be the other way around.
Then the demons spoke to me
"C'mon, Kid, this is what we need.
Guts and blood
Mangled bodies in the mud
Horror and gore
We're begging for more
C'mon, Kid, kill this whore!" I like these lines of dialogue a lot. They're vulgar and savage in a scarily childish way. I also like the capitalisation of "Kid", as if it's his name.

I lost control
Demons took hold
The engine that made my body go
Carried me away to a place I didn't know The "engine" metaphor is very good. It conveys a lack of self-control in a surprisingly subtle way.

After an hour, or two, maybe three
I found myself among a cluster of trees
It appeared I was alone in the dark
Accompanied by these columns of bark I like "columns of bark" - it makes me think of ancient temples - but it feels slightly contrived; it forces a rhyme with "dark" which clunks anyway.

I began to regain my senses
Saw her there defenseless
Bound and gagged
Taken where she can't be tracked
She was praying
No idea what she was saying
Believing she would be saved
That Jesus would come to her aid
And that hope filled me with rage Interesting last line. The rest of this verse is a bit exploitive - be careful not to seem like you're sharing in your character's misogyny and sadism - but the idea of hope filling him with rage is good.

I wanted her to writhe
Wanted her to die
How could she still have faith
Staring death in the face
She was cut and bleeding
Crying and screaming

Her faith enraged me
My anger swelled, I swam into its sea I thought the "sea" metaphor was a bit tacked on and corny at first, but it kind of subtly ties in with "swelled" - a swelling sea of anger - which I liked.

All the commotion
The show of emotion
Brought the demons back
It signaled their attack
I heard their panting as my vision turned black These last three rhymes feel forced.

Once I was myself again
I came to realize my sin
She could barely breathe
Red, so red, my hands weren't clean This line reminds me of What Ever Happened to Baby Jane's tagline: "sister sister oh so fair/why is there blood all over your hair?"
Her small grasp to life thrilled me

There I stood
I smiled, feeling more than good "Stood" and "good" feel forced.
Surrounded by guts and blood
Gazing at a mangled body in the mud
A half dead girl
Alone in a half dead world These last two lines are genuinely dark and chilling.

I watched her struggle for breath
My subconscious began to reflect I've become a bit wary of words like "subconscious" in first person narratives. Isn't the point of a subconscious that we can't identify and consider its actions?

"Today,
As she waved
Uttered an innocent "Hey"
Did she know
My smile was for show,
That her death would be slow,
That she would die,
No one would hear her cries,
Feel all this pain
Because I was afraid
Of these demons I can't tame?"

With that cold blade
Her flesh, I flayed
Made her feel pain Is this line needed? You kind of already covered it in the last verse.
Exploding with rage
Feeling no shame
As I took her innocent life away

I ended her life
I ended her strife "Life" and "strife" is really really corny. Also, ending her strife sounds like a favour, as if he did her a service by killing her, while in previous verses he acknowledges her innocence, fear and unwillingness to die. It's not a direct contradiction, but it's odd.
I ended her life Is this line needed?
I cut
I stabbed
Sliced and diced This feels cliche, just because I've read it in so many reviews of old horror films ("Freddy slices and dices again!").
I ended her life
I ended her life These last two lines have a purpose, in that they seem to convey the narrator trying to force a realisation of his actions on himself.

"Did she know that stranger she ran into on the street
Would wrap her still warm body in her bed sheets,
Would separate her flesh from her meat?" This verse isn't needed. By this point you've really gone into overkill with the whole "I killed her, and horribly" thing. We don't need to keep being reminded of what's happened.

Someone had heard a pain-filled shriek
It came from Old Bend creek "Old Bend creek" almost made me laugh, partly because you fabricated a place just to force a corny rhyme with "pain-filled shriek", and partly because "Old Bend creek" is such a silly place name. It's pure Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys.
The cops had begun to seek
Making their ways through the trees
Finding pieces of bloody sheets Is this line needed?
They searched and searched for this murderous freak.

I heard sirens fill the air
I had to get away from there
My heart was racing
My sweat was breaking
My thoughts were blazing
My body was shaking

I couldn't falter
No repenting at an alter This line ties in nicely with the earlier God theme.
Devised a plan, I couldn't falter
Dumped her body into the murky water

Raced back home
Raced home alone This line isn't needed. We know he was alone, unless there's an accomplice you haven't mentioned.

Thought that it was safe
Spilled the blood the demons crave This is nicely Hell-ish imagery.
Opened a bottle of whiskey
The demons drank it with me Another good image.

I woke to a siren
Police attempting to get in

"How did my plan fail?
How did they follow my trail?"

"Life isn't worth it
I find no purpose
If they catch me I'll spend my life in a cage
Because I couldn't control this rage
But they can't take me if I'm dead."
Following the voices in my head

"On this day,
I'll take my life away.
I won't live in this cage. You've already mentioned a cage, so this line feels like overkill, and also it's kind of a mixed metaphor, as the cage was previously a prison cell, whereas now I think it's his soul or impulses.
I'll take my life away.
I close off my airway.
I'll take my life away."

I found a rope
"I'll make myself choke." This line isn't needed. We can guess what he's going to do with the rope.
Fastened a noose,
Made sure it wasn't loose Again, not needed. We can guess that he was thorough.

Tied it to the rafter
A way out, I was after We already know this.
"A life imprisoned isn't worth it!" Same.
Tiptoeing on the chair, I gave it a kick
Strung my body from the ceiling
Feeling the feeling of losing all feeling Great line. Losing your feelings is a feeling itself.

I was gone
Just a warm body in a home
Left that warm body to it's own "Its". You only use an apostrophe when it's an abbreviation of "it is".
Began a journey alone
My soul floating on

"Can I buy my way in
With guts and blood
Mangled bodies in the mud.
All of them, all seven
Will those bodies buy me into Heaven?" This is a really silly verse, but I still kind of like it, because it evokes the image of a human spirit accompanied by his crimes as he stands at the pearly gates.

In the darkness
Finding no bliss
A light growing close
A dim red glow
"Hell is where I have to go?" Oh come on, he already knew he was going to Hell.

I woke with a half-empty bottle in my hand
"God, oh Lord, I haven't been damned?"

I realized it was a dream
Every cry, every shriek, every scream I really really enjoyed this twist, if only because it proves that you have an actual story with themes working here, and aren't just writing about a murder. It's also a complete surprise; there's some good storytelling skills buried beneath this poem.
"Do I subconsciously want this thrill?
Do I have a desire to kill
When I'm at work striving to pay my bills?
Is my life so mundane
That I wish to inflict pain?
Do I want to become a killer?
Do I want to become a murderer?"

"Yes."

"I'll become a murderer
Killing one, then another
I'll slaughter your brother
Even your mother
I'll make the world shudder"

Does this desire for guts and blood
Mangled bodies in the mud
Make me insane?
Have the demons rearranged
The wires in my brain?

I had a thought
An idea I constantly fought

"I have no reason to live,
I have nothing more to give."

I finished off the whiskey
The demons drank it with me

Strung myself from a tree
"I'll be forgotten in history
But someone will enjoy this story."

Feeling the feeling of losing all feeling

I left a note at the base of the mahogany

"Hell is where I'm destined to be
I'll be just fine in all the heat
If you read this remember these words from me
'Humans are most beautiful in tragedy'" Though the final rhyme of "me" and "tragedy" is very good, partly because the last line is so elegantly crafted, I think you should have ended the poem after "every shriek, every scream". This final suicide is silly and unsatisfying. If everyone killed themselves after having a bad dream we'd live in a barren world. The shock of the twist that it was all a dream is so effective that ending on it would be a real sucker punch.

The poem is much too long; you end up repeating yourself again and again until it becomes monomaniacal. Also, a lot of the rhymes are deeply contrived; the poem follows no distinguishable meter, so most of them are just unncessary. Nonetheless, I did enjoy quite a bit of the poem. It has some interesting action and ideas, and reads more like a suspense story than poetry. All critique is JMHO, and thank you for the read

Thanks for the feedback. I'll make some revisions and I like your idea of ending after "scream." The repeating itself is to convey his situation, he isn't thinking rationally, making rash decisions, also talking himself into suicide. The idea was to show that not-so-good endings are the most beautiful (well to me, anyway.) I also wanted to show how we enjoy these stories of gore and horror. The "Hell is where I have to go?" was supposed to be him pleading with God. Again, thanks for the feedback.