02-09-2013, 09:40 PM
Hi there,
this is the first post from you I have seen...I am sure you have been welcomed to the site by others...but greetings and a warm welcome from me.
I'm not sure how much experiance you have had with recieving critique but from experiance I know it can be hard at times, so i will try to offer just one comment for now.
I likes many things in your poem. the simple rhymes on the 2nd and 4th line of each stanza. The pattern and regularlity of the line length i think helped the read as well.
My only comment would be that for me the read was spoilt by the use of (as some of the other's on the site call it) "Yoda speak" I would suggest taking out the was I from each of the first lines and allowing the word choice of expressed feeling do the work by standing alone. (and then also will need to remove some of the and words from the next line)
With the exception of stanza 4 where i would leave the extra words in but change the syntax round to read Impermable i had.
Hope this is of some help
AJ.
this is the first post from you I have seen...I am sure you have been welcomed to the site by others...but greetings and a warm welcome from me.
I'm not sure how much experiance you have had with recieving critique but from experiance I know it can be hard at times, so i will try to offer just one comment for now.
I likes many things in your poem. the simple rhymes on the 2nd and 4th line of each stanza. The pattern and regularlity of the line length i think helped the read as well.
My only comment would be that for me the read was spoilt by the use of (as some of the other's on the site call it) "Yoda speak" I would suggest taking out the was I from each of the first lines and allowing the word choice of expressed feeling do the work by standing alone. (and then also will need to remove some of the and words from the next line)
With the exception of stanza 4 where i would leave the extra words in but change the syntax round to read Impermable i had.
Hope this is of some help
AJ.