02-09-2013, 04:15 PM
(02-09-2013, 09:24 AM)Heslopian Wrote: This overall feels quite abstract. Is that what you're going for?
The door to nothing stands ajar. -- From the start, the question of what the door exactly is is introduced. I'm intrigued, and want to know what it really is.
All that is green and provoking and painful -- Does green represent jealousy? Provoking and painful, sounds like one's lover being stolen. The intriguing feeling is still there, but because you didn't really continue with the metaphor the impact is lessened. Also the word choices seem to be falling into a cliche.
rests on our side; on the other side is darkness, -- Once again this is rather cliche as well. Personally, at this point, I'm losing interest quite quickly.
an absence of sorrow or love.
The choice to sacrifice your consciousness
may keep it alive, like a sin -- Ditto these 3 lines. However, you avoided going into cheese territory. better word choices here, and my interest is back, but not totally.
which is destroyed by knowledge of it.
I'm ascending the steps of this life
with a gun in my pocket. -- Great finish! =) I really like the last 3 lines. However, the whole poem feels a little lackluster. I feel that your choice of metaphor is not used to its fullest. While the poetic language employed is good, the imagery remains weak and never really manage to immerse me into it. Hope I'm of help, since I'm just telling you my thought process when reading it. Also hope I don't come off as too harsh. Guess my expectation is sort of raised after your previous 2 poems I read. =)
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