02-09-2013, 12:09 PM
You have some nice lines here. Some really interesting ones. The comments you move to after morning and night for instance. Two issues to look at:
In some places you are a little more wordy than you need to be. Like where you elaborate on death with the lethal grasp part. Ending with dodge would probably better. Look for words you can cut without sacrificing tone or meaning.
Also, your opening line is a cliche which starts you off badly and undermines your later better lines. There's an easy fix you could play off the cliche...Hope is not the light... On line 3 you could lead with Instead.
Just a thought.
Welcome to the site!
Best,
Todd
In some places you are a little more wordy than you need to be. Like where you elaborate on death with the lethal grasp part. Ending with dodge would probably better. Look for words you can cut without sacrificing tone or meaning.
Also, your opening line is a cliche which starts you off badly and undermines your later better lines. There's an easy fix you could play off the cliche...Hope is not the light... On line 3 you could lead with Instead.
Just a thought.
Welcome to the site!
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson