The beach - prose. (Edit 2)

[Todd]

Hi AJ,

I'm struggling with how I want to approach these comments. I've seen good allegories done poetically and in prose. If you were to go poetically, I think sticking with something without a refrain that followed a simple rhyme scheme abab might be the way to go. The refrain may get in the way of telling an allegorical story. It could be that I find the pantoum too restrictive. If you had a single repeating refrain like the kyrielle perhaps you could simulate the separation like waves lapping against the shore and build the distance stanza over stanza. I would consider sticking with the prose for know nailing down all the ideas and transitions and then experiment at converting it over to a poem.

To the prose: Before I give you line comments below, let me go over some more general comments. I think allegories work best with simple language and painting a scene for the hearers. My general thought is to simplify this somewhat and set the scene a little more firmly from the beginning. Since this is part of a larger piece I may make suggestions that are not helpful or that are so outside your style that they are inappropriate, so weigh all this accordingly.

Here goes:

The beachSo, we open with a title that fixes a location in our minds. While this could mean that we don't need as much in the way of setting, I still feel I want a little more of that.
Part 1.
Before a wave breaks upon the shore,--Nice opening phrase, it builds a slight tension and it serves to say this is the baseline before change happens. You could chose to add a few more lines to help the reader picture the beach (the sounds, the smells, a view from on high, etc) she bares her scars and defilement upon her breast.--again this feels a little quick. This is also a little telling even in an allegory I would prefer to see her doing something or have more evocative language expressing scars and defilement (something in her expression, posture, or manner of dress perhaps). Lifeless and listless she lies abandoned--like the alliterative elements. This could be another opportunity to introduce the grit of the sand on her body, the slight abrasion of how it feels and from the depths, from the pain--the act of crying is fine I would cut from the pain as its too leading. The tears will show that something like this is going on within wells up countless tears. First a trickle, then a stream – a constant flow.--I like this phrasing Drawn by a force unseen. Running over her defilement.--What does this defilement look like? Is there an image she could be running over? Is the sand the color of bone perhaps? Is it something you could imply? Also, Something more direct She runs as if drawn by an unseen force. Runs across sand colored like the bones of her past...not saying that's great just trying to be clear Running over, running down; cutting a swath across that which she is not.--I like cutting a swath. I'm not a fan of that which she is not. It seems cryptic. I'd like something more direct here as well. In the last rays of the evening sun, a faint glimmer, a trace of a secret identity is reflected from the collective of her tears.--Is there a way you could condense this. It seems that your trying to say that in the blur of tears and in what might be a trick of the fading light that she is different than she appears. That's all good. I like some of the phrasing it just seems to need paring down at the end. Allegories tend to work best when they present a clean picture and the reader says aha If Aslan is Christ than the Stone Table must be the Law and its stone to remind me of the tablets of Moses. This needs to be a bit tighter in my opinion to have that sort of moment with the reader Reservoirs, through which, she unconsciously shows her true colours--the cliche draws attention to itself and a promise of hiddeness yet to be discovered.--This feels one layer away from being as direct as it needs to be. The wind whispers to her and she responds.--This sentence is much closer to the immediacy I think I would like to see here. Reminded of things past and yet to come. Of a need, of a longing; a part of her, yet a separate identity. --This may not work for you but I'd like more specific examples or mini scenes here to draw me in Again she hears a call. Speaking of change, an announcement of imminent arrival and she is lifted….there…--I don't know if I'm explaining this right AJ but this has the "I'm going to ask you a question" and here's the question feel to it. It feels like it lacks immediacy she sees him, rising and swelling to meet her.--I like the use of swelling here you may want to tie in more of the waves themselves into the language and the image The lover and the loved.--Nice tight phrasing Made for each other.--a bit cliche Joined together, --consider condensing "Joined together so that each a vital part of the other; so that, even when split asunder, each holds a portion of their lover. Unwilling and unable to let go. Near even when drawn apart.--These last two lines have good tight phrasing to them. Tenderly he speaks to her,--You could cut to her caressing her outer limits--Outer limits is a little vague; and like a homecoming, in a rush, it all comes back to her.--I like all this The allure of him; his touch, his fragrance, his embrace.--I'd like this to lock onto some more specific detail. Maybe a memory replayed that she should have remembered but inexplicably forgot They share a familiarity and--I think you could cut this opening phrase and just get to the result of her opening to him so she opens herself up to him, the hem of her skirt lifting and falling in rhythm to his advances.--that is a nice image with good phrasing Unable to resist each other--something that shows this rather than tells it, they sigh in unison.--nice Now gathering himself, he breaks upon her awareness and within the flood comes identity.--I don't mind this. I know I've gotten critical on some of the phrasing, but this does work Again and again he breaks and invades her barriers and strongholds. Each fresh wave bringing revelation, forgotten treasure and vitality.--nice inclusion of image with statement He covers her and they are hidden together.--That's nice Her desolation and barrenness removed.--I'd like to see this with some visual imagery rather than be told. It's like when they say clothed in rags and then later in stunning white garments. I'd like more visual here Every part of her being is restored and filled with intimacy.--Not trying to harp on this, but more visual please No stone left unturned--If you are going to use the cliche than tweak it a little. I like it with the no scar line but I don't think you want the cliche just said as it is, no scar left un-caressed--should this be hypenated?; a sifting through every layer, until she is known, she is complete.--You may not need the she is complete. Ending on known gives a sexual allusion (i.e., adam knew his wife) Complete could be implied in this context. There they stay, but for the gentle pull of passing time.--Maybe play with the imagery here a little you already imply it a bit ...but for the gentle pull of time's passing tide...maybe Holding each other, total immersion and intermingling. Each fully sated and requited.--this could also probably be added to the previous phrasing as part of a series For nothing was withheld and no part was despised. For but one heart beat in eternity they are one--this is nice though you might be able to tighten it slightly; then almost imperceptibly at first, then more wretchedly so, they are pulled apart. The governing laws of this world and the order of things not in accord with their desires, their joined hearts not part of the equation.--I like this progression She is to be returned from that which she stole and was stolen.--interesting thought though there might be more evocative word choices than returned. But to whom does she belong? With his passing she glows and shines.--like the image of Moses behind the veil wearing at first to shield the glory from the people and later because the glory had faded No longer gutted and empty, but full and resplendent. Yet she weeps from deep within--Probably stronger ending the thought on weeps. Every sifted layer mourns and yearns for his return. How long will he be?....She knows not.--I'd consider cutting She knows not. It feels like awkward syntax and pulls me a little out of the moment Deep within her depths--you don't need her depths she hides a--Maybe this instead of a secret – a portion of him retained--nice. Stored in anticipation of the dry times to come--nice allusion to a famine to being alone. Hoarded, guarded, protected and safe – a treasure within.--I don't know if you actually need all this. I think you've already said this simply with the dry times ahead part The weeping continues, sapping her strength.--something more visual than the cliche of sapping strength. Some image to show us this weakening Yet even within the pain and tears there is comfort.--Maybe more simply: Yet still there is comfort The feel of him, his scent and flavour, his touch, are all there encompassed and embodied within the stream; which cuts a swath across that which she is not.
(Written on Lady bay beach – Guernsey – 98)

I feel like the first thing to address is making the story more visual which is the stock and trade of allegories. After that, you look toward the symbols and the meanings. I think you've got something interesting that can be developed. Hopefully the comments above will be helpful.

Best,

Todd