Where I Lay my Head ( Early Valentine Card)

[tectak]

Hello tectak -
In S1, is it just me or is the part of the 2nd sentence after the semi-colon properly linked to the rest? "...and that" doesn't feel attached to anything. Possibly you filed away images you knew would rise again... AND ?images of saying goodbye? (If so - why "that"?)Hi pete. you are right. Drop the semi-colon and the "....and that one day." links to "I knew..) Good catch. It shall be done.
S2: Tortuous - but it took some working out! Maybe the phantoms need a more substantial presence Phantoms are like that....insubstantial.
S3 is clearly about "another" girl you had on a night that was "snow deep" (?) The lack of meaning in the phrase is less important than it ultimately not adding anything substantial to the narrative. I like the remainder of the S for the imagery though the tense of the last phrase is inconsistent (but works!)Hmmmm. I liked snow-deep as a descriptor of a particular night, rather than a particular girl....the girls tend to blend into one, though they are legionI don't know what to do about this as the only defining difference between these half-remembered shags is the circumstances...."Ah yes, I remember it well" as the song goes. That was the idea, anyway.
S4 I'm sure L2 could be improved. (Is is tautologous?No. Tautological
I'm not very keen on L3 either - throwing passion toward the sky feels old hat and 'dark' feels unnecessary.Yes to this. Totally. I am an old romantic. I toss passion to the dark skies at every opportunity....actually, that could mean I am an old tosser. I will look again at this.
S5, L2 you can possibly edit out "the" and maybe fiddle with the tense of this and the following line bringing us to the present. Also the S starts angrily but is quickly replaced... is this deliberate? Personally I'd prefer more convincing anger with just a hint of remorse rather than the other way around.The the will fade away but the intent in the stanza IS cadentic. Yes to the eruptive anger at circumstance....then muted acceptance brought on by intellectualising. It's what stops those of us who have been tempted to have an affair.
Hope this helps - respect, Pete AkIt all helps, pete, believe me. We need more crit of this calibre to make our pips squeek. How are your pips?
Best and many thanks,
tectak

---

In this room, I lay with loves I met.
I filed away the images I knew
would rise again, like wraiths of raw regret,
and that one day I’d say goodbye to you.

You lie beside me as the light disclaims
the greyed-out phantoms, fantasies still clear.
Her shadow moves across my recalled frames;
I almost taste the sweetness of her tears.

Then there was the long and snow-deep night;
another sat upon this bed and cried.
I watched her rise, naked in the light,
dress slowly, leave, with nothing but her pride.

I look to where a silhouette still lies;
her name was kept, she never made it known.
We thrashed and threw our passion to dark skies
but when I woke and called her…she was gone.

I damn you for your bodies: ageless, pure!
Why do such recollections stay so new?
How could I love so long, yet be unsure?
Goodbye my loves; another day with you.

Tectak
Jan 2013