To Kathy

[tectak]

I hope this isn't too bad a love poem. =/ I seem to have problems with anything relating to positive emotions. So hopefully this is a decent attempt! >< Thanks for reading my poem!
I am in a rush so I admit this going to be picky
1st Edit:
To Kathy
Dusk sings a ballad,
And streetlamps highlight no they do not....but the light from them does
Your quivering lips Not a "nice" image
Searching for words, Full stop here as you are finished with lips.Moving on...
Your glinting eyes
Brimming with expectance. brim with expectation
The moon hums the blues
Of your defences coming down. Lost me....and I love the Blues!

Our embrace
Is a dance screaming for avowal.
Once more, I borrow the night air,
And cast the spell
With more affirmation.
“I’ll stay.” Something juicy in here....I like it but fervently hope it is not a lemon. What was the question that elicted the answer "I'll stay". I had no idea you were leaving. Has she got mild halitosis that you can, on consideration thereof, live with?

Then the town dims,
And I hear
The stars applauding. Again, there is something I like in this but I cannot but feel that the character has a psychological condition. Humming moons and applauding stars even passed Van Gough by, and he took drugs

I think it just needs clarifying in its terminology now. Its fine to anthropomorphise the "moon and stars above" but you must give them traits which can be authenticated....otherwise you will be sectioned. Stars wink, blink and wander but they don't applaud or blow rasberries. The moon beams, strolls and hides but doesn't hum or play bassoon. That is all. Nice though.
Best,
tectak

Original:
To Kathy
Dusk got coloured
Into ballad.
Streetlamps highlight
Eyes sparkling
With stopped tears.
Quiet hums of the moon
Signal the fortress’ crumbling.

The embrace follows,
A dance screaming for avowal.
So once more, I borrow the night air,
And cast the spell
With more affirmation.
“I’ll stay.”

Then the town dimmed,
And I hear
The stars applauding.