02-06-2013, 09:18 PM
Hello tectak -
In S1, is it just me or is the part of the 2nd sentence after the semi-colon properly linked to the rest? "...and that" doesn't feel attached to anything. Possibly you filed away images you knew would rise again... AND ?images of saying goodbye? (If so - why "that"?)
S2: Tortuous - but it took some working out! Maybe the phantoms need a more substantial presence
S3 is clearly about "another" girl you had on a night that was "snow deep" (?) The lack of meaning in the phrase is less important than it ultimately not adding anything substantial to the narrative. I like the remainder of the S for the imagery though the tense of the last phrase is inconsistent (but works!)
S4 I'm sure L2 could be improved. (Is is tautologous?
I'm not very keen on L3 either - throwing passion toward the sky feels old hat and 'dark' feels unnecessary.
S5, L2 you can possibly edit out "the" and maybe fiddle with the tense of this and the following line bringing us to the present. Also the S starts angrily but is quickly replaced... is this deliberate? Personally I'd prefer more convincing anger with just a hint of remorse rather than the other way around.
Hope this helps - respect, Pete Ak
In S1, is it just me or is the part of the 2nd sentence after the semi-colon properly linked to the rest? "...and that" doesn't feel attached to anything. Possibly you filed away images you knew would rise again... AND ?images of saying goodbye? (If so - why "that"?)
S2: Tortuous - but it took some working out! Maybe the phantoms need a more substantial presence
S3 is clearly about "another" girl you had on a night that was "snow deep" (?) The lack of meaning in the phrase is less important than it ultimately not adding anything substantial to the narrative. I like the remainder of the S for the imagery though the tense of the last phrase is inconsistent (but works!)
S4 I'm sure L2 could be improved. (Is is tautologous?
I'm not very keen on L3 either - throwing passion toward the sky feels old hat and 'dark' feels unnecessary.
S5, L2 you can possibly edit out "the" and maybe fiddle with the tense of this and the following line bringing us to the present. Also the S starts angrily but is quickly replaced... is this deliberate? Personally I'd prefer more convincing anger with just a hint of remorse rather than the other way around.
Hope this helps - respect, Pete Ak