02-06-2013, 08:12 PM
Hello AisforApple - first of all the title offered me no help, I was neither drawn to the poem nor repelled which is arguably worse than both. So I began reading in the dark as it were.
S1: I was met by a line that struggles to open the poem, not only does the combination of words clunk and grind against each other but there is also a problem with meaning... you're trying to express the passage of time by reference to the sky as if to say ' it happened a sky ago' makes sense. If you meant 'a night ago' you'd do better to say simply that, though I suspect you mean it to refer to a long time given what follows.
Next two lines work well for me but L4 suffers for the cliche not just because it is a cliche but also for me because of the silly image it encourages. Besides these two points of course we R's are given no clue regarding the issue about which you have buried your head.
S2: "deep disclosing darkness" - alliteration is all very well but it does need to make sense, this darkness is 'disclosing' I want to know what and how. Also the identity of 'them' could be made easier to determine, I was unsure initially, thinking you were still talking about 'our heads' before concluding it must be the hawks.
If there's a desert that glows green at night it merits explanation as does why it, glowing green, makes you look up (maybe incautious use of "because" in L2).
Lastly I don't know where the 'rings of Heaven' might be or what purpose they serve - nor am I convinced about the manifest presence of angels. I suspect there are more like me who'll find the poem unconvincing too. Despite the fact you have a poetic voice I feel you're striving too hard with it in this piece, at the expense of content and to some extent form (but I'm no good with 'form' myself so had better not comment on it.)
I'm also sure there is a neat poem in there somewhere - if you go for revision/re-working I'd suggest you open the piece out with explanation.
S1: I was met by a line that struggles to open the poem, not only does the combination of words clunk and grind against each other but there is also a problem with meaning... you're trying to express the passage of time by reference to the sky as if to say ' it happened a sky ago' makes sense. If you meant 'a night ago' you'd do better to say simply that, though I suspect you mean it to refer to a long time given what follows.
Next two lines work well for me but L4 suffers for the cliche not just because it is a cliche but also for me because of the silly image it encourages. Besides these two points of course we R's are given no clue regarding the issue about which you have buried your head.
S2: "deep disclosing darkness" - alliteration is all very well but it does need to make sense, this darkness is 'disclosing' I want to know what and how. Also the identity of 'them' could be made easier to determine, I was unsure initially, thinking you were still talking about 'our heads' before concluding it must be the hawks.
If there's a desert that glows green at night it merits explanation as does why it, glowing green, makes you look up (maybe incautious use of "because" in L2).
Lastly I don't know where the 'rings of Heaven' might be or what purpose they serve - nor am I convinced about the manifest presence of angels. I suspect there are more like me who'll find the poem unconvincing too. Despite the fact you have a poetic voice I feel you're striving too hard with it in this piece, at the expense of content and to some extent form (but I'm no good with 'form' myself so had better not comment on it.)
I'm also sure there is a neat poem in there somewhere - if you go for revision/re-working I'd suggest you open the piece out with explanation.